Hope

Hello World. I don't believe anyone can see this anymore, but I am keeping this as a diary of my old life. It has been over a year since my last post and I have changed so much. I have had an amazing encounter with God, just like Saul had. There is so much I want to say but I am not who I was. I am new. Please read: I am closing this chapter in my life.

Still Falling

Does anyone notice I'm still here?

Does anyone notice that even with the medicine it's getting worse?

Does anyone notice that even though I have made it two weeks, my problems have simply shifted?

Does anyone notice that it is harder and harder for me to keep my head above water?

Does anyone notice that I crave any expression of any love more than ever?

Does anyone notice that I am falling deeper and deeper?

And yet no one has any chance of saving me. Passed off so many times.... And I can't blame you.

I can't even find my list of happy things happy anymore.

Maybe it will end.....

This month is going to be the hardest.
I am so crazy afraid I won't get into the program.
I am away from the only form of counseling I know
I am away from my friends.
I am secluded.
I am adjusting to new medication.
I am "sent away" for my disorder....which by the way is now medically proven.
I feel like a pregnant chick being sent away until the problem goes away.
Plus I am now on medicaiton that the whole world tells me I should be ashamed of being on....
Yup...now is definatly the hardest.

Depths

It amazes me the depths you can feel.
The joy, the pain, the incredible depth. There is no movie that could capture, there is no book that could understand, there is no melody that could explain, or no picture that could begin to impersonate the depth of each moment in life. The point where your heart pours out evrything it has in love for another. I just want to share it but all I can do is live. Simply live.

People

People who have said to call them if I was struggling:
*Stormy
*Daniel
*Mom
*Dad
*Kim
*Shane
*Chip
*Jamie
*Ned
*Sarah
*Deanna

People I feel I can call:
No One

What all of these people don't realize is that I struggle A LOT. Sometimes it is in the middle of the afternoon, sometiems it's while I am at work, sometiems it is at 3am. But who to call? Whose moment should I ruin? Who isn't busy? And what could they do to help? But I need help to get through this.... so bad.

Preacher Boy

There is something ironic about this nickname. The idea of a "Preacha boy". The idea of the kid in school who is known for his faith, who is known for his Bible, and who is known for being vocal about it. There are two very important characters in my life who had this reputation, however they are two VERY different people. One boy had all of the knowledge in his head, however his heart was rotten. But he was a good actor and everyone believed his facade. His facade was perhaps better than mine ever was. The other boy had the head knowledge that resided deep inside his heart. It was evident in every action, in every situation. He truly had God residing inside his heart and he shared it. Not that he is perfect, not at all. I could hand you a list of faults right now. But he is in a relationship with God and that is evident.

I find it ironic that two boys known for similar reputations were SO different in actions. The first boy was my rapist. The second is my best friend.

I lied :-)

Ok... So I lied about the end thing. The truth is, I can't not blog! It is how I live and breathe, sharing everything. I can't keep things in. The happy moments, the sad moments, the revelations; I know it's not good but I need to share those things. So if you don't want to see this that's ok, and if you do that's ok too. Be concerned, be worried, be amazed, and be in awe of what God does in my life. See spiritual warfare at play and see things change. Because one day there will be a book and once I figure this all out.... it will be there.

So this blog I had to share: It's about my trigger. Everyone who knows anything about this situation has simply asked "Why?" They know the back story (as spoken about in previous blogs) but what they can't seem to get their heads around is why now. Why after 4 years of being ok did this all come back up. Why after four years did things get so much worse? Well... I think I finally figured that out. And honestly it all comes down to one boy. Anyone who knows me knows his name but on the off chance this falls into the wrong hands I won't name him for the sake of his privacy. He deserves that after all I put him through.

I was thinking through things tonight after my intake coordinator asked me why I was applying now. And I had to think about what made now an important time. Now instead of last April, now instead of three or four years ago? What had changed. It was about this time that I also realized that I was mostly fine when I was without him for long periods of time. I was just neutral. I was normal. So what made this great guy such a problem for me. What did he do? Nothing. He did nothing. However he was the change. And I would like to explain that for you.

After all the abuse I have gone through, I learned early on that the only way someone from outside my family was going to love me was based on what they could get from me. Modern media confirmed this belief as did my experiences. My first "boyfriend" dumped me for a prettier girl who would give him more. After the abuse, followed by a bad relationship I tried to make myself ugly so no one would come near me. I succeeded. But over time, as I got rid of relationships with guys as a general group (except the gay ones... I still had a lot of gay or bi guy friends) I began to grow more confident, I began to learn about myself. I began to realize that I was something and I could move on. No guy ever really showed any interest in me after that. I slowly began to reintroduce them into my friend groups first as aquatenses, and then as common friends; but you would never see me alone with one. That was how I lived my life, growing more confident in who I was and forgetting about the hurt and pain. That was until he entered the picture.

This guy was one of my friends from church and we had gotten to know each other in school and he began to show interest in me. It was simple, innocent, possibly romantic interest in the only other person of the same faith in the school. It all started when he asked me on a date. He had no idea what he was getting into, just two friends going out to dinner and getting to know each other better. That was all it was. However, I didn't understand what I was getting myself into either. I didn't realize the problems I would have with relationships and how my past would play into this one.

By a few dates in, I was infatuated. I was ok with making my whole world around him. While he hadn't bargained for this, who doesn't like everyone's world revolving around you? But this boy was VERY different from any other interaction I had had with a male. He was a gentleman. He was sweet and would give the occasional hug, cuddle, or hand to hold; however he did not take these things lightly. He genuinely cared. We spent many a night of him explaining to me what his values were and how he would NEVER kiss me unless we were to crazily get married some day not only because he valued me and thought that that was something I should save as something valuable for my future husband but also because he respected his future wife no matter where she was and didn't want to give his first kiss to anyone else. He views rocked my world and were something I had never heard about. I tried to absorb everything he said however I had instincts that were ingrained in me.

As I said earlier, I learned from an early age that the only way anyone was really going to care, was based on what they could get from you. I had it stuck in my head that the only reason a guy wouldn't do something with you is because you were grosser than dirt. If you were acceptable, he would have his way. So while I didn't want to be abused again I did want to be wanted. I wanted to be cared about. I began to push things to levels I know he was uncomfortable with. I would do anything to see if I could get him to show any signs of what I thought was caring for me. I tried to force him to say "I love you", and began to wear "sexier" (all though not wildly inappropriate) clothing. I began to put him into mildly compromising situations and would do anything to try and evoke a reaction explaining to me that he cared and thought I was pretty, or at least acceptable. And this is where it all started.

Because this boy was and is a noble man he didn't give into the temptation. Not that he wouldn't hold hands or cuddle sometimes however I would always push things just a little bit more. Physically, with the relationship status, with how emotionally close we were. Anything to get him to confirm that I wasn't worthless. However being a man of noble character he did not give in. He had very well defined lines and didn't want to lead me on. He didn't even find it appropriate to be a couple while in high school because we were both so young. Not that he didn't like me in that way, however it wasn't a good situation for anyone. Because of that he wouldn't give me any of the VERY NEGATIVE signs I had learned to interpret as worth and love. And that's when it all started again.

There was a boy. I couldn't run from him. Being with him made me someone. Without him I truly was nothing. He wouldn't hurt me, but he wouldn't love me either. He simply refused to cross lines. So a voice from the past snuck into my head, it said, "Even a disgusting pig found you acceptable. Maybe that's all that will ever find you acceptable." "He is much too good for you and he knows it". "He will never love you. No one will ever love you. You are hardly good enough for someone to abuse." and many more evil sayings. That is when the self harm started again. It started small and grew, and grew, and grew.

This boy continually denied to cross boundaries. I tried to prove I was the perfect girl, I tried being super spiritual, I tried not eating to get skinny enough for him, I tried wearing nicer clothes, I tried pushing things to the next level, I tried being the smartest, I tried being the friendliest, the hardest working, the one who would sacrifice anything. Then I tried being needy. I told him about the self harm and abuse and thought maybe if I shared those things he couldn't leave. I tried my hardest to get close to him, however he would not give me the negative signs of love I wanted. And eventually I got to be too much for him. I was pushing too much on every level. It wouldn't have even lasted as long as it did if his mother hadn't been diagnosed with cancer in April and he needed a shoulder and a friend to lean on. However I took advantage of the situation and tried to manipulate it to get what I wanted. It was a dark and twisted mind game where i just wanted to find love.

But this boy gave me something better. Every moment, even after we "broke up" he reassured me of my inate worth in my creation by God. He pointed me towards God as the one to fill me up, not him. He taught me that I was valuable enough to be respected. He introduced me to the idea and no matter how many times I needed to hear it he spoke of God's love and plan for me. Even to this day when I need to hear that this boy is the first to point me there. I remember one night when he said, "Well I can tell you that all the love that God poured into the sacrifice of His son was for you Victoria Anne Egan. I can also tell you that even as Jesus was being nailed to the cross he was thinking of going to prepare a place for you Victoria Anne Egan so that you could be with Him for all eternity so that no matter what Satan did you could never ever be taken from Him." He was the first one to ever use my full name and the first one to make that honestly stick into my head. This is just one of many things he told me about.

However once you open the door, it's hard to shut it. I still felt rejected by the only guy who never hurt me or wanted something from me. I still felt rejected every time he wouldn't answer a text or would miss a plan for us to hang out. There is a reason it is his name on my leg and not the names of my abusers. The evil one still sneaks into my mind every time he gets a chance and I have to remind myself what a good influence, and trigger, this boy is on me.

But I would never trade ANY of my time with this boy for anything else. He was and still is teaching me what it's like to have positive relationships with males who care about me. God allowed me to have this time with him to work through my issues with guys in a safe environment with someone who won't hurt me. Who will still befriend me past all my issues. While I doubt there is ever a chance we will date again simply because of what I have done, we are still good friends and I praise God for giving me a chance to recognize my trigger, my best friend, and help me work through it. Because it doesn't matter how a boy feels about me. I don't need to find my worth in that. I need to find my worth in Christ, who always loves me. So that's why now. that's my truth. Call me a monster for doing that to someone, call me anything you want but the truth is without that I would be dead or worse. I wouldn't have realized my issues enough to begin to work through them, I would have never realized how much worth I have simply being God's creation. I wouldn't have realized just how much God loves me and how human relationships can reflect that love. With the love and support of this boy and many other friends I have begun to deal with many of my issues and have determined that I need help. And I am going to get it. Because I KNOW that God loves me. And maybe if I can get through this I can help someone else get through this. Because Jeremiah 17:9. God has a plan, and it's a Good one.