Sometiems I wonder if God hears.
There are so many times where you just cry. Where you just cry out to God. So many times where you beg for it to be done differently. The child crying over thier dying mother. The young girl praying for the abuse to stop. The friend crying over the innocent life that was lost.
I know that there is free will. I know that no one ever promised it would be easy. But God did promise that He would hear our prayers. And I wonder where those prayers go. It's one thing for God not to turn back time if you pray afterwards but could God not atleast send comfort? Could God not make it stop?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Awaiting the Phone Call
Yes, your brother does have cancer.
My mother died last night.
They finally did it. After all the moodswings and warning signs, they killed themselves.
These are the phone calls I wait for.
Everytime I lose my phone or someone takes too long to text back these are the thoughts that come into my mind. Every time I go to bed without hearing from you I am afraid. I have haunting nightmares of pain. But I never know when it will get any better.
I live my life on the constant seat of drama. Becausee you are going to get that phone call and I find it better to be prepared. I live in that constant fear. They say that perfect love casts out all fear, but for me the more love the more fear. And I know that God is in control but he never said it wasn't going to hurt. And the hurt is what I'm used to. It's what I know life is filled with and waht I know how to deal with.
Constatnly prepared for the hurt.
My mother died last night.
They finally did it. After all the moodswings and warning signs, they killed themselves.
These are the phone calls I wait for.
Everytime I lose my phone or someone takes too long to text back these are the thoughts that come into my mind. Every time I go to bed without hearing from you I am afraid. I have haunting nightmares of pain. But I never know when it will get any better.
I live my life on the constant seat of drama. Becausee you are going to get that phone call and I find it better to be prepared. I live in that constant fear. They say that perfect love casts out all fear, but for me the more love the more fear. And I know that God is in control but he never said it wasn't going to hurt. And the hurt is what I'm used to. It's what I know life is filled with and waht I know how to deal with.
Constatnly prepared for the hurt.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Truth is:
Truth is, deep down inside I can't honestly believe that anyone could love me. I can't honestly believe that God loves me. I can believe that he died for me, but I can't believe that he loves me. I can't believe that anyone loves me. Honestly deep down in my soul I know that I am nothign more than something for pervs to attack. that's my level in society. and no matter what happens, what I say, I can't shake that. I have tried for six years now to get over it, to move on, to try to grasp the concept, but I just can't do it. So you've won. After six years I am still subject to you. You ruined me. Are you happy?
Haze
so a girl just came into the cafe with a guy. She is a BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL AMAZING girl with more self worth issues than I have. She is a little on the heavy side but not more than me, infact probally less. The guy she was with was fairly decent looking. She was sitting at the table talking about how ugly she was and how fat she was and the guy with her just said, "No. I think you're damn good. And those other girls, they may be pretty but they got no personality. Girls like you are awesome and got the strongest personality. I like girls with personality." She said that personality only gets you so far and the guy with her just told her how much crap that was and using some curse words told her how amazing she was. They seemed like real raw people. People with problems, with issues, with stories, and just trying to make it. It was real, emotions, no hiding, no pretending. Just there.
So what's the problem with that. I know down in the depths of my soul that that guy was really bad for her. That he wasn't what God had for her. However I could feel myself wishing I was her with each word the guy spoke to her. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, that they wanted me, that they loved me. Someone to be open with and then have them tell me that they care.
You see I feel like I am torn between two worlds. One is raw, real, with parties on saturday nights and people striving for more. Cursing, drinking, just being real. Yeah there is real heartache, and real pain, but atleast it's real. It's pain you can feel and absorb and share. Then there is this other world. This christian world. I know that I have Christ and Christ is with me in whatever world I am in so I am not talking about God's world, but the christian world. This world there are times of real joy, real sorrow, but everything seems to be dulled. I can't feel real pain. It's like I am constantly in a haze. People are always "happy" and though there are tiems of joy beyond what I could imagine, real true joy, the haze is too much to deal w ith.
Cutting breaks through the haze. It's three seconds of real feeling, of unhaze, of harsh reality, that gives me the strength to go through the haze again.
But I don't want to have to be in the haze. You see, there are times when I am with him that things just seem real. That we can talk about how I got drunk that one time, or how you worked through the tears to build that ramp for your mom, or how much it hurts. But we can also talk about when God gave us a dream, a crazy fufuilled prayer, an epic realization that caused movement in our lives. Then God is real, God is raw, and God close; not someplace faraway in a haze. I don't have to cut, I don't have to abandon feelings or God, There is no more haze.
Cause there is a third world, which is where I want to be. The world which is clearer than I could ever imagine. Where things are real, there is no haze. Where there can be real hurt and real pain and real joy and real love. Honest... not a haze. It is a world I get an occasional chance to expeirience when I am with my best friend... but I still long for the love, and then I am drug back to the raw painful world I once came from.
But I need to hold tight to my savior. Jesus did not live in the religious haze of his time. He did not try to be good. He was better than we could ever imagine. He was real, with true pain and true joy. And He has a plan for me and a real world. Maybe he'll show me.
So what's the problem with that. I know down in the depths of my soul that that guy was really bad for her. That he wasn't what God had for her. However I could feel myself wishing I was her with each word the guy spoke to her. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, that they wanted me, that they loved me. Someone to be open with and then have them tell me that they care.
You see I feel like I am torn between two worlds. One is raw, real, with parties on saturday nights and people striving for more. Cursing, drinking, just being real. Yeah there is real heartache, and real pain, but atleast it's real. It's pain you can feel and absorb and share. Then there is this other world. This christian world. I know that I have Christ and Christ is with me in whatever world I am in so I am not talking about God's world, but the christian world. This world there are times of real joy, real sorrow, but everything seems to be dulled. I can't feel real pain. It's like I am constantly in a haze. People are always "happy" and though there are tiems of joy beyond what I could imagine, real true joy, the haze is too much to deal w ith.
Cutting breaks through the haze. It's three seconds of real feeling, of unhaze, of harsh reality, that gives me the strength to go through the haze again.
But I don't want to have to be in the haze. You see, there are times when I am with him that things just seem real. That we can talk about how I got drunk that one time, or how you worked through the tears to build that ramp for your mom, or how much it hurts. But we can also talk about when God gave us a dream, a crazy fufuilled prayer, an epic realization that caused movement in our lives. Then God is real, God is raw, and God close; not someplace faraway in a haze. I don't have to cut, I don't have to abandon feelings or God, There is no more haze.
Cause there is a third world, which is where I want to be. The world which is clearer than I could ever imagine. Where things are real, there is no haze. Where there can be real hurt and real pain and real joy and real love. Honest... not a haze. It is a world I get an occasional chance to expeirience when I am with my best friend... but I still long for the love, and then I am drug back to the raw painful world I once came from.
But I need to hold tight to my savior. Jesus did not live in the religious haze of his time. He did not try to be good. He was better than we could ever imagine. He was real, with true pain and true joy. And He has a plan for me and a real world. Maybe he'll show me.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Seeing Hell
"For we do not battle against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." ~ Ephesians 6:12
Man is that sentence true.
This is a spiritual attack. It's not something I can fight against. Atleast not with anything other than God. I've been reading "Prophet" by Frank Peretti lately. It was reccomended to me by a friend. And it is really good, and eye opening.
I know this is weird but God has always spoken to me very clearly. People who say that God doesn't really have a plan for them I think are crazy. I know when God is tellling me yes and I know when God is telling me no. And while often times I disregard this, it is never from a lack of knowing. And while not everything has a yes or no answer from God, the important things do.
Last night this was more than evidant to me. Things like nothing turned into a fight and I wanted to leave. But God was honestly telling me not to. In my head there was no logic behind it, but I know that I was not supposed to leave. I believe that my father knew this as well. When I was heading out the door he hugged me and gave me spiritual words of wisdom and love. And as I left, I knew I should turn back, but I didn't.
Now this probally sounds dumb but my father and I both have very odd spiritual connections. Not that we are more spiritual or anything like that but all the weird stuff you read about or only really pentacostal churches embrace... yeah... that's us. My dad can speak in tounges, I've never heard him and he rufuses to do it in public but I know that he does. My father gets very emotional when he talks about God. When God comes into the equation he feels so much deeper than anyone ever feels. He has told me many deep and strange things and I am sure that there is much more that I will never learn.
Now I don't speak in tounges or anything but I have my own set of weird gifts. I didn't even think they were weird until I began telling my friend about it and he said that that was a special gift from God. And I can tell you that last night, beyond a shadow of doubt, something did not want me alive.
As I drove into the snow, things started out fine and got way worse. It was the worst snow I had ever seen. It was dark, white, and alone. About an hour into the darkness I began seeing things that can only be described as something very simmilar to the dementors on Harry Potter, began to swirl around the car. They seemed to be manipulating the snow, throwing it up in insane whiteouts where I honestly could not see anything outside of my car except a wall of white with swirling black. My car would skid almost into the banks of snow or the large ditches on the sides. The music on my radio seemed to be manipulated to all talk about death.
Now because I am a christian, death is a sweet thing. It means passing into the arms of my savior and lord Jesus Christ and that is something that I can not wait to happen. But this did not feel right. It felt as if something was trying to steal me away. So I bean to pray... I began to pray as hard as I could. It was praising God and giving the glory to Him. I lost all concept of time so I can't tell you how long it took but things started to change. First my radio abruptly changed songs (it may not have been abruptly, but it seemed so to me) to "He's not finished with me yet" by Brandon Heath. The black swirls had always left my car alone but I could now see them struggling. The snow cleared up enough for me just to see that I had just crossed over into Fairview. (From the train tracks by Thistle until I crossed into Fairview I had had no idea where I was because the snow was so bad) At that point I knew that there was going to be no more grace if I chose to go against God again. He didn't want me to get to Ephriam that night. So I pulled off, swallowed my pride, and decided to stay with my grandparents for the night. This morning there was such a peace about leaving and I came and things went well.
I have no idea why God didn't want me here last night. Some people might think I am being silly and that blaming God for some snow is stupid. But I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God did not want me to leave, even before it had started snowing. I also know what I saw last night and what God's power did.
But things like that happen to me all the time. I know what it is and yes it scares me from time to time but this is my life. I don't know if it's something weird or special but I do know that it is me, and that God has a purpose for it in my life.
Man is that sentence true.
This is a spiritual attack. It's not something I can fight against. Atleast not with anything other than God. I've been reading "Prophet" by Frank Peretti lately. It was reccomended to me by a friend. And it is really good, and eye opening.
I know this is weird but God has always spoken to me very clearly. People who say that God doesn't really have a plan for them I think are crazy. I know when God is tellling me yes and I know when God is telling me no. And while often times I disregard this, it is never from a lack of knowing. And while not everything has a yes or no answer from God, the important things do.
Last night this was more than evidant to me. Things like nothing turned into a fight and I wanted to leave. But God was honestly telling me not to. In my head there was no logic behind it, but I know that I was not supposed to leave. I believe that my father knew this as well. When I was heading out the door he hugged me and gave me spiritual words of wisdom and love. And as I left, I knew I should turn back, but I didn't.
Now this probally sounds dumb but my father and I both have very odd spiritual connections. Not that we are more spiritual or anything like that but all the weird stuff you read about or only really pentacostal churches embrace... yeah... that's us. My dad can speak in tounges, I've never heard him and he rufuses to do it in public but I know that he does. My father gets very emotional when he talks about God. When God comes into the equation he feels so much deeper than anyone ever feels. He has told me many deep and strange things and I am sure that there is much more that I will never learn.
Now I don't speak in tounges or anything but I have my own set of weird gifts. I didn't even think they were weird until I began telling my friend about it and he said that that was a special gift from God. And I can tell you that last night, beyond a shadow of doubt, something did not want me alive.
As I drove into the snow, things started out fine and got way worse. It was the worst snow I had ever seen. It was dark, white, and alone. About an hour into the darkness I began seeing things that can only be described as something very simmilar to the dementors on Harry Potter, began to swirl around the car. They seemed to be manipulating the snow, throwing it up in insane whiteouts where I honestly could not see anything outside of my car except a wall of white with swirling black. My car would skid almost into the banks of snow or the large ditches on the sides. The music on my radio seemed to be manipulated to all talk about death.
Now because I am a christian, death is a sweet thing. It means passing into the arms of my savior and lord Jesus Christ and that is something that I can not wait to happen. But this did not feel right. It felt as if something was trying to steal me away. So I bean to pray... I began to pray as hard as I could. It was praising God and giving the glory to Him. I lost all concept of time so I can't tell you how long it took but things started to change. First my radio abruptly changed songs (it may not have been abruptly, but it seemed so to me) to "He's not finished with me yet" by Brandon Heath. The black swirls had always left my car alone but I could now see them struggling. The snow cleared up enough for me just to see that I had just crossed over into Fairview. (From the train tracks by Thistle until I crossed into Fairview I had had no idea where I was because the snow was so bad) At that point I knew that there was going to be no more grace if I chose to go against God again. He didn't want me to get to Ephriam that night. So I pulled off, swallowed my pride, and decided to stay with my grandparents for the night. This morning there was such a peace about leaving and I came and things went well.
I have no idea why God didn't want me here last night. Some people might think I am being silly and that blaming God for some snow is stupid. But I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God did not want me to leave, even before it had started snowing. I also know what I saw last night and what God's power did.
But things like that happen to me all the time. I know what it is and yes it scares me from time to time but this is my life. I don't know if it's something weird or special but I do know that it is me, and that God has a purpose for it in my life.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The best day of my life
I can have the best day of my life making valentines and playing with a twelve year old girl.
I can have the best day of my life lying under the sky watching the clouds with the best boy in the world.
I can have the best day of my life dancing in a club and letting all my energy out.
I can have the best day of my life watching football with the guys.
I can have the best day of my life playing worship music.
I can have the best day of my life in another country sharing the love of Christ
I can have the best day of my life while fighting and standing up for what I believe
I can have the best day of my life while obnoxiously flirting with a guy
And somehow I can be all of these things... and I don't think that any of them are wrong . I love being all of those things. Each of those things make me so happy. I just want to be all of them. They are all me.
I can have the best day of my life lying under the sky watching the clouds with the best boy in the world.
I can have the best day of my life dancing in a club and letting all my energy out.
I can have the best day of my life watching football with the guys.
I can have the best day of my life playing worship music.
I can have the best day of my life in another country sharing the love of Christ
I can have the best day of my life while fighting and standing up for what I believe
I can have the best day of my life while obnoxiously flirting with a guy
And somehow I can be all of these things... and I don't think that any of them are wrong . I love being all of those things. Each of those things make me so happy. I just want to be all of them. They are all me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)