Haze

so a girl just came into the cafe with a guy. She is a BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL AMAZING girl with more self worth issues than I have. She is a little on the heavy side but not more than me, infact probally less. The guy she was with was fairly decent looking. She was sitting at the table talking about how ugly she was and how fat she was and the guy with her just said, "No. I think you're damn good. And those other girls, they may be pretty but they got no personality. Girls like you are awesome and got the strongest personality. I like girls with personality." She said that personality only gets you so far and the guy with her just told her how much crap that was and using some curse words told her how amazing she was. They seemed like real raw people. People with problems, with issues, with stories, and just trying to make it. It was real, emotions, no hiding, no pretending. Just there.

So what's the problem with that. I know down in the depths of my soul that that guy was really bad for her. That he wasn't what God had for her. However I could feel myself wishing I was her with each word the guy spoke to her. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, that they wanted me, that they loved me. Someone to be open with and then have them tell me that they care.

You see I feel like I am torn between two worlds. One is raw, real, with parties on saturday nights and people striving for more. Cursing, drinking, just being real. Yeah there is real heartache, and real pain, but atleast it's real. It's pain you can feel and absorb and share. Then there is this other world. This christian world. I know that I have Christ and Christ is with me in whatever world I am in so I am not talking about God's world, but the christian world. This world there are times of real joy, real sorrow, but everything seems to be dulled. I can't feel real pain. It's like I am constantly in a haze. People are always "happy" and though there are tiems of joy beyond what I could imagine, real true joy, the haze is too much to deal w ith.

Cutting breaks through the haze. It's three seconds of real feeling, of unhaze, of harsh reality, that gives me the strength to go through the haze again.

But I don't want to have to be in the haze. You see, there are times when I am with him that things just seem real. That we can talk about how I got drunk that one time, or how you worked through the tears to build that ramp for your mom, or how much it hurts. But we can also talk about when God gave us a dream, a crazy fufuilled prayer, an epic realization that caused movement in our lives. Then God is real, God is raw, and God close; not someplace faraway in a haze. I don't have to cut, I don't have to abandon feelings or God, There is no more haze.

Cause there is a third world, which is where I want to be. The world which is clearer than I could ever imagine. Where things are real, there is no haze. Where there can be real hurt and real pain and real joy and real love. Honest... not a haze. It is a world I get an occasional chance to expeirience when I am with my best friend... but I still long for the love, and then I am drug back to the raw painful world I once came from.

But I need to hold tight to my savior. Jesus did not live in the religious haze of his time. He did not try to be good. He was better than we could ever imagine. He was real, with true pain and true joy. And He has a plan for me and a real world. Maybe he'll show me.