Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Awaiting the Phone Call

Yes, your brother does have cancer.

My mother died last night.

They finally did it. After all the moodswings and warning signs, they killed themselves.

These are the phone calls I wait for.

Everytime I lose my phone or someone takes too long to text back these are the thoughts that come into my mind. Every time I go to bed without hearing from you I am afraid. I have haunting nightmares of pain. But I never know when it will get any better.

I live my life on the constant seat of drama. Becausee you are going to get that phone call and I find it better to be prepared. I live in that constant fear. They say that perfect love casts out all fear, but for me the more love the more fear. And I know that God is in control but he never said it wasn't going to hurt. And the hurt is what I'm used to. It's what I know life is filled with and waht I know how to deal with.

Constatnly prepared for the hurt.

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