The End

This is the last post on a forever condemmed blog. Because the truth is, you've cause more pain than you should have. But for any of you who have been following this journey you need to hear about the climax it has reached. This blog has become completly public knowledge. I wanted someone to reach out and help but it was not anything like what I expected. And here, at the end, I am terrified.

I am terrified at the fact I am not ok. I am terrified that every moment is a fight. I am terrified that I have to call people to stay with me so that I don't fall into the abyss. I am terrified that I can't make it on my own. I am terrified that it is a more serious problem than I could have ever imagined. I am terrified I am losing everything. I am terrified that since I am not strong enough to do it alone I will exhaust every resource I have. I am terrified that everyone will give up on me. I am terrified that I can't survive if everyone can't give up on me. And I am terrified that maybe this is one of those problems that God will never take away.

But here in the end...I know two things. And both are inarguable truths. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear" ~ 1 John 4:18; and "He who seeks to save his life will lose it, but he who looses his life for my sake, will save it." Matthew 10:39

So this fear isn't from God. And Surrender is what matters.

So goodbye blog. I'm done with you. It's over. The heart of a girl who never was never needed to be and brought to much pain with her.

Surrender, Surrender
You whisper gently
You say i could be free
I know but can't you see
My dreams are me
My dreams are me.
Surrender.

HATRED

I hate you. I hate this blog. I hate you for taking away any sense of privacy, security, and anything I've ever had.

I hate you for taking away my hopes and my dreams.

I hate you.

You have brought so much pain about in the past few days that I can hardly breathe. I feel more alone, more hurt, more betrayed, and completly and utterly alone with no esccape than I ever have before.

There is no running away. There is no running to anyone. I have no place to go and nowhere to run. There is more of an urge to end it now than there ever was before.

There is no where I can even turn to for a hug who hasn't betrayed me. There is nowhere I can run.

I feel like I'm sitting inside this tent, in a crazy storm. Everyone I ever thought I had as support is the storm and God is this tent surrounding me. God is what is sheilding me from this storm. As long as I sit here he will comfort me and hold me while I cry. He has a plan for this, no matter what it is if I just hold on. I was doing fine and now I am holding on for dear life. I am holding on with everythign I have. I can't let go. God, please bring me someone to get me through this. God please give me the strength to carry on. Please help me to love my enimies GOd.... I need you more than ever now.

My Music

www.myspace.com/torriegan

That is the link to my music site. I finally recorded all of my decent songs and put them on a website. Check it out :)

Fighting

Each moment is a fight. A fight to live on. A fight to look beyond how I feel. A fight to look beyond my failure. Tonight my friend said she was depressed. I responded with the only thing I know how to say, "God is in control. And that's what keeps me going". She said that it was the only thing that keeps her going to and that that is sad. She said she should have more to live for. But honestly... it takes every fiber of my being to live for that. It is my only peace. It is what keeps me going. If I should have more to live for than that, then I shouldn't be living.

Legacy

I once named this blog for the daughter I never had. I named it for a girl who will never exist. But the fact is, if she did exist... what would I be teaching her. There are three facts that have stuck deeply in my heart lately: 1. I have a mental illness 2. I can't change things on my own - but I do need to be determined 3. Each morning is a new chance. Last week I finally made a decision to stop self injuring. And I thought it was as clear cut as that. I threw away all of my blades and went an entire week without hurting myself. I thought it was going to be easy. But it wasn't. I was doing fine for a whole week (the longest I've been fine in a long time) and yesterday I just snapped. I was feeling a little depressed anyway at bible study (I think my roomates are PMSing) and then one of my roomates just tipped me off the edge. I know that this is a serious problem but my family doesn't fight. We talk out our problems. No one yells, and if someone does it's a serious deal and someone is going to get injured. So when someone says that I am frustrating or annoying or dumb or.... those are not things I am used to hearing from people who are not going to hurt me. And they send me down hill fast. So regardless of the situation, I reacted poorly and ended up freaking out. But my freak outs happen on me. I freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I expoded into a rage. I dug through my trashcan to find a blade and cut my shoulders and stomach. I even carved the word worthless into my thigh, the first negative word that has made it's way there. By the end I was sobbing in a flood of complete and total anger and failure. I took a handful of pills and tried to go to bed. However the only thing that those pills did to me was make me delutional and having a very hard time breathing. Does this scare me? The fact that I snapped so easily and still don't even want to be around my roomate in fear I will snap again? Yes... But there is one thing that gives me hope. The fact that after I took the pills there was some regret. Not enough regret to throw them up, but a slight fear of them actually hurting me. I reached out and asked a freind to pray. Because at this point, I was done. But somethign greater inspires me. God gave me a brand new mornign today. Whether i wanted it last night or not. He gave it to me. It was sunny and beautiful. I had a purpose today. I was able to help people. I was able to work. I was able to speak words of life and inspiration. Regardless of what will happen. Am I afraid of my mental illness? YES. But I know that God is here and that God can carry me through. I want to leave a legacy for others. I want people to know that no matter what God can carry them through. I want to be over this. But it is worth the struggle. So maybe next time I can make it two weeks or even 8 days, and maybe after that a month. But I am going to keep trying and praying, and I am going to make it.

Scared

I am so afraid that I have an STD that is slowly killing me or rendering me sterile. I am so scared . But I am even more scared about getting tested. I don't know where to start. I am afraid of it showing up on my parent's insurace. I am afraid of any doctor besides the jerks at planned parenthood knowing that I might have something. I am afraid of what anyone here would think if they found out I was at a planned parenthood. I am so afraid of being alone and finding out I have something, something serious. I am afraid of not being able to tell anyone. I am afraid that if I go to the doctor they are going to find the cuts. I am afraid that they are going to be able to tell how recent some are. I am afraid that I won't be able to lie to them. I am afraid that they are going to realize that I am not getting better. That no matter how good I do during the day when the nights come I can't not do it. I am afraid they are going to send me to some place scary, where I am more alone than ever. I am afraid that people will find out I am in an insane asylum and hate me. I am so afraid. So afraid. Crying in fear.