Legacy

I once named this blog for the daughter I never had. I named it for a girl who will never exist. But the fact is, if she did exist... what would I be teaching her. There are three facts that have stuck deeply in my heart lately: 1. I have a mental illness 2. I can't change things on my own - but I do need to be determined 3. Each morning is a new chance. Last week I finally made a decision to stop self injuring. And I thought it was as clear cut as that. I threw away all of my blades and went an entire week without hurting myself. I thought it was going to be easy. But it wasn't. I was doing fine for a whole week (the longest I've been fine in a long time) and yesterday I just snapped. I was feeling a little depressed anyway at bible study (I think my roomates are PMSing) and then one of my roomates just tipped me off the edge. I know that this is a serious problem but my family doesn't fight. We talk out our problems. No one yells, and if someone does it's a serious deal and someone is going to get injured. So when someone says that I am frustrating or annoying or dumb or.... those are not things I am used to hearing from people who are not going to hurt me. And they send me down hill fast. So regardless of the situation, I reacted poorly and ended up freaking out. But my freak outs happen on me. I freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I expoded into a rage. I dug through my trashcan to find a blade and cut my shoulders and stomach. I even carved the word worthless into my thigh, the first negative word that has made it's way there. By the end I was sobbing in a flood of complete and total anger and failure. I took a handful of pills and tried to go to bed. However the only thing that those pills did to me was make me delutional and having a very hard time breathing. Does this scare me? The fact that I snapped so easily and still don't even want to be around my roomate in fear I will snap again? Yes... But there is one thing that gives me hope. The fact that after I took the pills there was some regret. Not enough regret to throw them up, but a slight fear of them actually hurting me. I reached out and asked a freind to pray. Because at this point, I was done. But somethign greater inspires me. God gave me a brand new mornign today. Whether i wanted it last night or not. He gave it to me. It was sunny and beautiful. I had a purpose today. I was able to help people. I was able to work. I was able to speak words of life and inspiration. Regardless of what will happen. Am I afraid of my mental illness? YES. But I know that God is here and that God can carry me through. I want to leave a legacy for others. I want people to know that no matter what God can carry them through. I want to be over this. But it is worth the struggle. So maybe next time I can make it two weeks or even 8 days, and maybe after that a month. But I am going to keep trying and praying, and I am going to make it.