Epiphany

Honestly... I don't love much. I try my hardest not to feel. It's easier that way. If I don't get super attached to people then it doesn't hurt. But when I do love I love stronger than anyone you have ever seen. And when I do love, it hurts me more than anything to see you hurt.

I realized this today when we were talking about when we found out your mom had cancer. I knew a little bit before you did. I cried before you did. But we both found out 100% together. I saw how much crap the community put on you. I saw how hard you were working, I saw how fast you had to grow up. I saw it all. I cared about it all. It broke my heart. Not only was a woman I would come to love more than any aunt dying of cancer, but seeing your heart break hurt mine in more ways imaginable.

I did everything I could to fix things. I spent every waking moment of my life wondering how I could make things better for you. I still do sometimes. I just wanted to make your life better. I would still do anything if I knew it would help you. But at the same time there was so much stress in my own house. My grandpa was being mean to my daddy and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle it. I had to be the perfect child, the perfect friend, but mostly I could stand seeing the people that I love so much in so much pain. So I started drinking to control the pain. I can remember the first day I started drinking. It was before your mom even got cancer. But she was sick, your family was fighting constantly, and seeing you try to grow up and be the man hurt so bad. I hated seeing some I cared about so much be so torn up inside. You had to miss chior rehersal that day because you needed to go home and watch Jarrod while your mom was at the doctors. I know how much you were going through and I had no idea how to deal with it. So I drank. It was It made my life a little easier, until you found out. But even then it took your mind off some of the crap. I kept things up because not only did it help me but it was me trying to take your mind off of things.

I don't know quite why I turned to cutting. I think I just got mad at myself for drinking. I got mad at myself. What started out as just trying to deal with life turned into an ugly addiction. It was April 1st when I started. At first it was just an easy way to release emotion and pain and move on with life. Things were so stressful that I didn't know what to do. When we finally found out that your mom had cancer things didn't get any easier. I can remember my heart being torn in two. I can painfully recall each day and how hard things got. April 16th is the perfect example of a day like that. Cutting just came naturally. I didn't know how to deal with the stress and it just came. It was my way of getting over the fact that I wasn't perfect and couldn't make it better.

I guess over time I just began to hate myself. Satan began to move in. He used my stress coping mechanism to turn into a form of just hating myself. Hating myself so much it just wasn't worth living. It was a long downward spiral that spun me out of control. Still sometimes I wonder why I am not good enough for people. I try to be perfect, I try to solve problems, but sometiems I just can't do it. That's why I try to keep myself from forming close relationships with people. Because if I don't love you, you can't hurt me. I can't fail you. And my heart can't take failing many more people.

And that's my trigger. It's not that I feel worthless, all though that does play in to the depression. But when I feel worthless or inadequite I just want to lie in bed forever or that's when the food thing comes in. Those are my long term solutions. The addictions with drinking and cutting come as a stress reliever. Whenever things get super stressful and I can't fix everything I cut. Which then makes me feel worthless. Which is where the cycle is.

But I praise God for what I've gone through and I hope that I can learn to cope with the stress because honestly... I'm not leaving you, ever. I am in for hurt and pain and everything because I love you all and can't imagine my life without you. And even if i'm not good enough to be anything more than a friend to you, I'm not leaving.