I had a dream

Last night I had a dream. There was a young girl of about 5 standing next to me. She had honey brown curly hair. I can't remember any other features about her. She answered to the name of Emma. She gently touched my hand and called up to me. "Mommy" her soft voice carried up just like a sweet and simple wind. I had a child. She was sweet and adorable. And I had changed my life for her.

Why is this such a big deal? Everyone occasionally has dreams where they have kids. But this one is different. A little less than six years ago I was pregnant. Or atleast I think I was. I was too young and scared to know for sure. I had just been raped and it was the second month I had missed my period for. I was so scared. I had made a plan to as soon as possible go to my local planned parenthood and abort the baby. I HAD to make it all disapear. I prayed every night until then that God would take that baby away from me. And thankfully, He did.

I have no idea why and can barely recall what happened, but I miscarried the baby. Since then I have occasionally thought, "What if God hadn't taken her from me?" I have imagined my life with a child but I know the reality. I would have killed that child if God hadn't. Somedays I feel guitly about praying for the death of a child. Some days I just can't take what could have been. This dream let me see her, grown and I guess in a better place with God's timing. But it still scared me and I have no one to tell. No one can know.