So today I honestly failed at not being alone and not thinking about me. But I think that it might have been for the better. You see I have been hiding a LOT a feelings for a long time by simply ignoring them. But my last counseling session brough up some bitter feelings and ended up being cut short so I've been kind of hanging. You see, I have formed my entire life around the reality of sexual abuse. And I have come to realize that many of my mannerisms stem from this. The one I have realized most with this is my physical appearance.
When I was young (when the bulk of the abuse happened) I began to make myself look as possibly unattractive as possible. I tried to put on weight (and succeeded for about 50 pounds), I dressed like a boy, I did my hair like a boy and tried to be the furthest thing that anyone would want. I didn't like people touching me at all. About halfway through high school I realized that this was a completely socially unacceptable way to live my life, so I chose the opposite path, you can't hurt me if I let you. I lost weight (about 30 pounds), and started dressing and doing my hair as an attractive female. I would dress as immodestly as I could get away with, having the family and background I did. I disasociated meaning from all touch and pretty much allowed anything. I realized the true gravity of the situation when I took a wonderful guy friend who I was kind of dating out onto a dark back road and insisted that we stop and look at the stars. Lying down on the ground and encouraging him to come snuggle with me was very suggestive and inappropriate but I did it anyway. I now realize that this was because I was afraid he was going to hurt me and I figured you can't hurt me if I let you. I can only praise God for the outstanding level of moral integrity this young man has because he refused to even sit on the ground but stayed standing, simply talking to me while looking away from me and up to the stars.
Why has this become so important now? Because about a week ago I became afraid again. Begining to get defensive about touch, ect. And today I even found myself taking a turn for the worse instead of eating to lose weight, like I had been, I was eating to gain weight. Purposely trying to make myself as ugly as possible so that no one would go near me. Neither of these ways are healthy and I need to figure out what to do.
I was reading through a counseling book about this and couldn't find my notebook so I figured I'd make some notes about what I thought about it here.
* In the begining it talked about you being a victim. But honestly, while I feel hurt and such I feel like I deserved it. I know that might be crazy but I could have said no more. I could have fought harder. I could have not chosen to be at that house at that time. I could have screamed more, yelled more, ect.
* It talks about feelings you might have and I have pretty much all of them. Life has been numb forever, I am afraid of pretty much every guy I meet for an extensive period of time. I try to hide it but there are VERY few men I am not afraid of. Every so often worry about STDs comes back up. Could I be dying and just not know it? I get angry sometiems but often time the anger just reflects back on me. My relationships go crazy. There are nightmares and flashbacks, Depression has happened ever since. I mean this is why I first attempted suicide. And I think I have just defered the pain for so long that stress of any type throws me over the edge.
I don't want to face it. I don't know how to face it. It is almost midnight and PTSD is coming in and there is no one I can run to, except Jesus. Pray that Jesus will give me the strength to move on.
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