Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Flashbacks are Coming Strong Tonight
Tonight I was facebook chatting with my rapsit's little brother. He is my age and we went to school together. We were friends before I knew that the guy who raped me was his brother. We talk from time to time just as freinds. Today the topic of his brother came up. He said: So um.... what did you two talk about for him to tell me not to talk about you around him or something like that? Knowing that he thinks about me and is haunted by my name was the most terrifying and empowering thing in the world. But more terrifying. He knows who I am by name. I can't escape this guy. And he is always going to deny it. Basically I'm not sleeping tonight. Too many flashbacks. Too many nightmares. Too much alone.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Losing You - Losing Me
It's been 3 days since I last cut. Which considering my recent trend is kind of a big deal. But I can't help but think that that's because I have put my mind in a bubble. It isn't allowed to think deep, it isn't allowed to think about the future or the past. It's just there. And it took our friendship for me to realize it. Yesterday I saw us slipping away. For awhile we talked about imporant things but really, there was nothing. Except when I told you about my schooling expeirices. But other than that.... we used to just be able to drive around and talk for hours. We wouldn ever run out of thigns to talk about. Now it's just semi-awkward unless we are doing something fun like trying to break glass bottles or attacking a photo scavenger hunt. You are slowly slipping away into the background of just one of many friends and that honestly hurts. The closeness we once had is slipping away. You won't open up to me anymore and I try to just ride along on the surface. You always were the only thing that kept me from losing myself. I can't lose you.
Friday, March 25, 2011
A Glimpse of Hope
So I am still in a funky place spiritually, I still don't know how thigns are going on but I know that my salvation is safe. One thing I am sure of is that God is true and that God saved me, with no help of my own.
Anyway, to the point of this post, tonight during testimony meeting Gabe told about how he tried to kill himself after he was saved. It gave me hope that maybe I can get better.
Anyway, to the point of this post, tonight during testimony meeting Gabe told about how he tried to kill himself after he was saved. It gave me hope that maybe I can get better.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Kindred Souls
Today I was just haning when a friend decided to pour their heart out to me. They said that they and God were "on the out". Being allured by a past, just wanting answers that no one seemed able to give. Being pissed off at God. Having seen too much and knowing that God exists but wondering.... i don't know. But as my friend was talking I never felt more connected in my life.
Truth is I have had all the same thoughts and more lately. No matter what I read and what I research I have a really hard time accepting God for who He says He is. I don't know. I have NO problem at all believing there is a constant spiritual battle around me. And I know that God is true. And I know that God is more powerful. But....
I don't know. I guess I am just hung up on the why do bad things happen to those whom he loves deal. I mean I don't have a problem when things happen as a natural consequence but what about when you haven't done anything. I mean yeah, abuse makes you stronger. I've been around long enough to know that. But a God who cares and watches it happen just to make you stronger.... A God who created the world, knowing we woudl sin, KNOWING there would be that much pain. KNOWING what would happen, and yet saying it's worth going through all that so I can have thier glory.
And in the back of my mind i know that's wrong to say. But I want an answer. If God cares so much then wahy woudl he let it happen. How can I believe in a God who loves me when that happens. I know that God saved me, and I know that I coudl never meet his standard on my own. And I trust that it is his blood alone that makes it that way. But... it's hard to believe that God cares and loves me. Regardless of how in control He is.
It was nice to talk to someone else about it. and I hope that if we are seriously messed up that God will use our rock bottoms to brign us back up. But I don't know.....
Truth is I have had all the same thoughts and more lately. No matter what I read and what I research I have a really hard time accepting God for who He says He is. I don't know. I have NO problem at all believing there is a constant spiritual battle around me. And I know that God is true. And I know that God is more powerful. But....
I don't know. I guess I am just hung up on the why do bad things happen to those whom he loves deal. I mean I don't have a problem when things happen as a natural consequence but what about when you haven't done anything. I mean yeah, abuse makes you stronger. I've been around long enough to know that. But a God who cares and watches it happen just to make you stronger.... A God who created the world, knowing we woudl sin, KNOWING there would be that much pain. KNOWING what would happen, and yet saying it's worth going through all that so I can have thier glory.
And in the back of my mind i know that's wrong to say. But I want an answer. If God cares so much then wahy woudl he let it happen. How can I believe in a God who loves me when that happens. I know that God saved me, and I know that I coudl never meet his standard on my own. And I trust that it is his blood alone that makes it that way. But... it's hard to believe that God cares and loves me. Regardless of how in control He is.
It was nice to talk to someone else about it. and I hope that if we are seriously messed up that God will use our rock bottoms to brign us back up. But I don't know.....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Owning
This is probably the completely wrong way to go about things but it's how I want to be. I want to own up to my problems. I want to be wholly me.
Last night I took a butcher knife to my leg. The night before that I took one to my forearm. I was so freaking worried about what people thought of me. Can't I spend my life being happy without caring about what people think?
So tonight I danced! I danced for hours with a friend and some random girls. I danced with my scared arms in the air and moved my hips like a slut. AND IT WAS THE BEST TIME I HAVE HAD IN FOREVER!!!! And tomorrow I am going to get up on the stage at church with my scared arms showing and sing beautiful songs with amazing people for the only awesome God.
And maybe I should be put in a hospitol for a psycotic break but even if I do cut and get down sometiems I am still a person and still fun.
Last night I took a butcher knife to my leg. The night before that I took one to my forearm. I was so freaking worried about what people thought of me. Can't I spend my life being happy without caring about what people think?
So tonight I danced! I danced for hours with a friend and some random girls. I danced with my scared arms in the air and moved my hips like a slut. AND IT WAS THE BEST TIME I HAVE HAD IN FOREVER!!!! And tomorrow I am going to get up on the stage at church with my scared arms showing and sing beautiful songs with amazing people for the only awesome God.
And maybe I should be put in a hospitol for a psycotic break but even if I do cut and get down sometiems I am still a person and still fun.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Dying to be Perfect
Last night I couldn't take it. I failed myself at getting things done in time for the tea party. I couldn't be around to lead because of class. Then I finally clamed down for a few minutes to get dressed up with stormy and I got a bunch of people down in the cafe who gave me crap and reinforced my idea that I had failed once again. Then someone reinforced the idea that my effort was worthless when they rufused to dress up and "look stupid. Then I got ratted out by several people for accidently bumping into them. Then I got chewed out for five minutes for accidently locking the apartment door.
I couldn't do it.
I attacked my wrist with a butcher knife. My leg got several razor marks. My cut count of 75 moved to 82.
I walked around all day wearing those scars on my wrist without covering. Still... no one noticed.
And nothing gets to me more than the fact I am so fucking selfish to care if someone notices my peice of shit self or not.
I couldn't do it.
I attacked my wrist with a butcher knife. My leg got several razor marks. My cut count of 75 moved to 82.
I walked around all day wearing those scars on my wrist without covering. Still... no one noticed.
And nothing gets to me more than the fact I am so fucking selfish to care if someone notices my peice of shit self or not.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Control = Power = Pride
Oh my heck! It totally clicked today and I am uber afraid that if I don't write about it I'll completely forget it.
Last night I cut. I was tired, sleep deprived, moody, and overwhelmed. I did it to get some control of my life and to give my brain a basic focus to get through the day. And I didn't realize just how wrong it was.
When I went to counseling this morning I honestly didn't want to go, didn't open up and was feeling like cutting wasn't even a big deal and it was a legitimate way to cope. But honestly... nothing is a legitimate way to cope. I am lying to myself by telling myself that the world is out of control and that I can control it. Because there is a totally amazing God who is in complete control of everything and I can not be in control of ANYTHING.
I didnt realize that my ENTIRE problem... like everythign I had been dealing with forever.... was rooted in the need to control. When I was young I trusted God for control. When God let bad thigns happen to me I didn't trust him to control things anymore. I also trusted myself to be able to control some things in my life. When I was raped that control was taken away from me. I live my life every day trying to regain some control. I don't trust God to be in control.
I realized this (it all clicked in my head) tonight. A friend had jokingly mentioned that a guy from LeTuerno was flirting with me. This guy was most likely not at all flirting with me but it got me thinking about what it would be like dating someone like him. He is older than me, more mature, almost done with an engineering degree, and seems like a good honest man. So why did that scare me so much? Because, especially in my relationships, I seek control.
I fell for a younger guy who I thought could be "fun" and easily manipulated. He liked me, but he wasn't at all threatening. However the simple thought of submitting myself and losing power, even to a good man, or a good God scares me to death. Submitting myself and losing power is scary.
However I am looking forward to my study this week. I am supposed to study god's power and my humility. I think it will be really good for me and teach me alot. but identifying the problem was a big deal. A big realization.
Last night I cut. I was tired, sleep deprived, moody, and overwhelmed. I did it to get some control of my life and to give my brain a basic focus to get through the day. And I didn't realize just how wrong it was.
When I went to counseling this morning I honestly didn't want to go, didn't open up and was feeling like cutting wasn't even a big deal and it was a legitimate way to cope. But honestly... nothing is a legitimate way to cope. I am lying to myself by telling myself that the world is out of control and that I can control it. Because there is a totally amazing God who is in complete control of everything and I can not be in control of ANYTHING.
I didnt realize that my ENTIRE problem... like everythign I had been dealing with forever.... was rooted in the need to control. When I was young I trusted God for control. When God let bad thigns happen to me I didn't trust him to control things anymore. I also trusted myself to be able to control some things in my life. When I was raped that control was taken away from me. I live my life every day trying to regain some control. I don't trust God to be in control.
I realized this (it all clicked in my head) tonight. A friend had jokingly mentioned that a guy from LeTuerno was flirting with me. This guy was most likely not at all flirting with me but it got me thinking about what it would be like dating someone like him. He is older than me, more mature, almost done with an engineering degree, and seems like a good honest man. So why did that scare me so much? Because, especially in my relationships, I seek control.
I fell for a younger guy who I thought could be "fun" and easily manipulated. He liked me, but he wasn't at all threatening. However the simple thought of submitting myself and losing power, even to a good man, or a good God scares me to death. Submitting myself and losing power is scary.
However I am looking forward to my study this week. I am supposed to study god's power and my humility. I think it will be really good for me and teach me alot. but identifying the problem was a big deal. A big realization.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Panic Attacks
Last night I had a panic attack.
I have a tendency to suffer from intense panic attacks at random times. I used to be able to control them (I can generally feel one coming on) by cutting (an emotional release before they took over) or drinking (a litteral slowing down of my system somthing that honestly just calmed me down) but since I don't do that anymore I had to find another option which has helped which is being around someone I trust or just talking to someone I trust. And honestly when I am in a state of panic attack I don't even trust my family.
My panic attacks come at really weird times and often have nothing that brings them on. But I get very scared, cry uncontrolably, hyperventalate, and depending on the severity sometimes I can't move and sometimes I have trouble breathing. they come in varying severities nad I can usually lessen the severity if I can get help fast (which is why cutting and drinking were such viable control techniques). However the problem with getting help fast is that often times these are at weird times at night. Also like I said, it has to be someone I trust. Which at this point when I am in the middle of an attack is pretty much limited to Daniel, Sarah, and depending on the day; Kim.
Anyway, now that you get that, I had one last night. The Zedicher girls were all asleep (I was babysitting them for the night) and I was alone in a big room with big unlockable windows and an unlockable door. I went into a panic attack with full flashbacks and reliving. I needed someone to be with me, or atleast talk to me until I could calm myself down. (Calming myself down involves prayer, scripture, and relaxed breathing. However I can't get myself to the point where I can even pray or read without knowing someone I can trust is accessable.) So last night I ended up texting Daniel (I try to find other people first but when I realized Sarah was sleeping and Kim was busy, I had to turn there)
So he stayed up texting me until I was finally worn out enough to pass out.
All that to say... Praise God for friends. And also, if I am going to get better i want to manage these attacks better. Because while I am doing fairly well at stopping the spiraling depression after the attacks I need to learn to handle these healthily and so I don't end up annoying the few people I trust by texting them late at night.
I have a tendency to suffer from intense panic attacks at random times. I used to be able to control them (I can generally feel one coming on) by cutting (an emotional release before they took over) or drinking (a litteral slowing down of my system somthing that honestly just calmed me down) but since I don't do that anymore I had to find another option which has helped which is being around someone I trust or just talking to someone I trust. And honestly when I am in a state of panic attack I don't even trust my family.
My panic attacks come at really weird times and often have nothing that brings them on. But I get very scared, cry uncontrolably, hyperventalate, and depending on the severity sometimes I can't move and sometimes I have trouble breathing. they come in varying severities nad I can usually lessen the severity if I can get help fast (which is why cutting and drinking were such viable control techniques). However the problem with getting help fast is that often times these are at weird times at night. Also like I said, it has to be someone I trust. Which at this point when I am in the middle of an attack is pretty much limited to Daniel, Sarah, and depending on the day; Kim.
Anyway, now that you get that, I had one last night. The Zedicher girls were all asleep (I was babysitting them for the night) and I was alone in a big room with big unlockable windows and an unlockable door. I went into a panic attack with full flashbacks and reliving. I needed someone to be with me, or atleast talk to me until I could calm myself down. (Calming myself down involves prayer, scripture, and relaxed breathing. However I can't get myself to the point where I can even pray or read without knowing someone I can trust is accessable.) So last night I ended up texting Daniel (I try to find other people first but when I realized Sarah was sleeping and Kim was busy, I had to turn there)
So he stayed up texting me until I was finally worn out enough to pass out.
All that to say... Praise God for friends. And also, if I am going to get better i want to manage these attacks better. Because while I am doing fairly well at stopping the spiraling depression after the attacks I need to learn to handle these healthily and so I don't end up annoying the few people I trust by texting them late at night.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Alone
Lately I have been trying desperately to be alone...because honestly... the thought of it scares the hell out of me.
Because here is the truth. Every day for the past six years I have spent my life in paralyzing fear. And I mean paralyzing. I have constantly shoved it down with eating disorders (a wide array of over eating, under eating, and purging), cutting, alcohol, acting, friends, boys, anything that brings the fear down to a manageable point. And I feel like the biggest hypocrite out there because I know that I shouldn't fear because I have an amazing God. But I can't help it. I have been praying and crying out for six years and I just can't help it.
Every single time I enter a room with just a male in it (which doesn't happen often, praise God) I am litterally paralyzed by fear. It takes me a minute to get up the courage to run away. But that isn't the main fear.
That is somethign I have delt with for the past six years and know I will simply be dealing with for the rest of my life. I am always going to try to manage the fear.
But I am most afraid that I have to go through this alone. I am most afraid that when I have a panic attack for no reason, no one is going to want to deal with it. I am most afraid that no one will ever understand or accept that I can't be fixed.
Because here is the truth. Every day for the past six years I have spent my life in paralyzing fear. And I mean paralyzing. I have constantly shoved it down with eating disorders (a wide array of over eating, under eating, and purging), cutting, alcohol, acting, friends, boys, anything that brings the fear down to a manageable point. And I feel like the biggest hypocrite out there because I know that I shouldn't fear because I have an amazing God. But I can't help it. I have been praying and crying out for six years and I just can't help it.
Every single time I enter a room with just a male in it (which doesn't happen often, praise God) I am litterally paralyzed by fear. It takes me a minute to get up the courage to run away. But that isn't the main fear.
That is somethign I have delt with for the past six years and know I will simply be dealing with for the rest of my life. I am always going to try to manage the fear.
But I am most afraid that I have to go through this alone. I am most afraid that when I have a panic attack for no reason, no one is going to want to deal with it. I am most afraid that no one will ever understand or accept that I can't be fixed.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Dreams
When people talk about thier dream life it's usually somehting like living on a island beach with servants getting them their heart's desire, or something to that effect. However that is so far from my dream life. I would feel so uncomfortable if I lived like that. My dream life is seriously messed up, but there has got to be a purpose for it.
Today Deanna called me and while freaking out the whole time about how I didn't have to do it and how she didn't want it to be too much, she asked me if I could spend the night with the girls on sunday night and get them off to school safely on Monday morning while she and Rodney went up to the airport. Deanna is leaving for a week to see her dad who has serious cancer. When I said yes Deanna thought I was doing her a huge favor but honestly, she was doing me a huge favor.
You see I live for moments like those. Not that I want bad things to happen to people because I really don't. But I want to be there when bad things do happen. I am not good at comforting people (excpet children, I am very good at comforting children) but I am good at taking care of the daily things for them. When crisis strikes I like to be the one there who makes sure that everything is in order when you can finally get back to every day life. Sadly, managing crisis drives me.
When I was little I loved to read the boxcar children books. While I thouroughly hate the idea of being orphaned the idea of having to take care of my younger siblings completely compelled me. The idea of being handed something crazy and having to take care of it. I have plans for every situation.
Maybe God has a use for this strange desire. For now I am taking care of the girls on Sunday.
Today Deanna called me and while freaking out the whole time about how I didn't have to do it and how she didn't want it to be too much, she asked me if I could spend the night with the girls on sunday night and get them off to school safely on Monday morning while she and Rodney went up to the airport. Deanna is leaving for a week to see her dad who has serious cancer. When I said yes Deanna thought I was doing her a huge favor but honestly, she was doing me a huge favor.
You see I live for moments like those. Not that I want bad things to happen to people because I really don't. But I want to be there when bad things do happen. I am not good at comforting people (excpet children, I am very good at comforting children) but I am good at taking care of the daily things for them. When crisis strikes I like to be the one there who makes sure that everything is in order when you can finally get back to every day life. Sadly, managing crisis drives me.
When I was little I loved to read the boxcar children books. While I thouroughly hate the idea of being orphaned the idea of having to take care of my younger siblings completely compelled me. The idea of being handed something crazy and having to take care of it. I have plans for every situation.
Maybe God has a use for this strange desire. For now I am taking care of the girls on Sunday.
75
I counted today. 75 scars from self-injury.
Praying it stays that way.
How sad is it that 96% of my scars are from self-injury and a measy 4% are from normal things (ok, so they are all from that rafting trip).
Praying it stays that way.
How sad is it that 96% of my scars are from self-injury and a measy 4% are from normal things (ok, so they are all from that rafting trip).
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Pathetic
I am so pathetic.
All I want is a friend. Someone who drops everything to care about me and someone I can drop everything to care about. I want a friend who thinks throughtout the day, "I wonder how Torri's doing?" and that I can do the same with. I need interaction with people. I want to be able to care about you and have it be a two way street.
It seems like everyone I try to reach out too doesn't want to be my friend. They want to be my mentor. Or they want me to be their mentor. But there is no mutual friendships.
I am pathetic. I live for the few social interactions I have where I am wanted. My mondays are moivated by class. My tuesdays are motivated by Devos, class, and chill hours. My wednesdays are motivated by counseling and bible study. My thursdays are motivated by class and awana. My fridays are motivated from working cafe. My saturdays are simply not motivated now that I don't clean the church. And my sundays are motivated by church and my afternoons with daniel.
It's just pathetic.
All I want is a friend. Someone who drops everything to care about me and someone I can drop everything to care about. I want a friend who thinks throughtout the day, "I wonder how Torri's doing?" and that I can do the same with. I need interaction with people. I want to be able to care about you and have it be a two way street.
It seems like everyone I try to reach out too doesn't want to be my friend. They want to be my mentor. Or they want me to be their mentor. But there is no mutual friendships.
I am pathetic. I live for the few social interactions I have where I am wanted. My mondays are moivated by class. My tuesdays are motivated by Devos, class, and chill hours. My wednesdays are motivated by counseling and bible study. My thursdays are motivated by class and awana. My fridays are motivated from working cafe. My saturdays are simply not motivated now that I don't clean the church. And my sundays are motivated by church and my afternoons with daniel.
It's just pathetic.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Boundaries
God wins again :) Praise God.
Last night I finally realized why boundaries were so important. In counseling I have been working hard at setting relational boundaries. Because I have felt worthless and used and damaged for so long this was really difficult for me. I was talking to my friend about his and we joked about how strict some people's boundaries are and just joked around and it got me thinking about the unspoken boundaries we had set in our own relationship. And how I could slowly see some of them starting to bend again.
Before I went into my DEEP downward spiral (so in like March of last year) God was really bringing emotional purity into my mind. Protecting and guarding my heart. I wasn't sure how to do that. But God made it very obvious to me again. It was really important to me.
Last night I kind of noticed that some unset lines were being... bent. And then when I went home that night for the first time in a long time I dreamed about my friend in a romantic sense (now we are not talking anything inapropriate here.... NOTHING like that. But in my dream there was a prolonged hug and hand holding and that is not something that is ok for me right now). This caught me off guard and I realized that I need to set some serious boundaries for myself so I don't hurt myself, my friends, and my friendships.
So... you win. I am setting boundaries. I am trying to protect myself. Cause while I still don't care if I get raped again or abused, I do care about my frienships and what is in my control. And I care that I protect everyone involved from undue heartache. I care again :)
However... giving up that twitterpated feeling that you once had while cuddling or holding hands HURTS.
But I know it will save me from hurt later.
Last night I finally realized why boundaries were so important. In counseling I have been working hard at setting relational boundaries. Because I have felt worthless and used and damaged for so long this was really difficult for me. I was talking to my friend about his and we joked about how strict some people's boundaries are and just joked around and it got me thinking about the unspoken boundaries we had set in our own relationship. And how I could slowly see some of them starting to bend again.
Before I went into my DEEP downward spiral (so in like March of last year) God was really bringing emotional purity into my mind. Protecting and guarding my heart. I wasn't sure how to do that. But God made it very obvious to me again. It was really important to me.
Last night I kind of noticed that some unset lines were being... bent. And then when I went home that night for the first time in a long time I dreamed about my friend in a romantic sense (now we are not talking anything inapropriate here.... NOTHING like that. But in my dream there was a prolonged hug and hand holding and that is not something that is ok for me right now). This caught me off guard and I realized that I need to set some serious boundaries for myself so I don't hurt myself, my friends, and my friendships.
So... you win. I am setting boundaries. I am trying to protect myself. Cause while I still don't care if I get raped again or abused, I do care about my frienships and what is in my control. And I care that I protect everyone involved from undue heartache. I care again :)
However... giving up that twitterpated feeling that you once had while cuddling or holding hands HURTS.
But I know it will save me from hurt later.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Pretty.
Today was the first time I had been called pretty in a VERY long time.
Today about 8 people told me I was pretty. And 2 of them weren't little kids or girls just simply answering a compliment (aka, "You look really pretty" "You too").
Those two great boys simply telling me I was pretty really made my day.
I was in a funk again. I wasn't going to eat again. I was going to do so well and only eat breakfast and just let myself starve the rest of the time. Anything to look pretty.
I ate breakfast to get my metabolism moving.
I ate lunch (no matter how small it was) because Tyrone wanted to buy me lunch because he was thankful for my willingess to serve. I ate lunch because I felt talented and appreciated.
I ate dinner because Nedly complimented my dress and then told me I was very pretty. It was because of that comment I was able to sit down with a plate of food.
I even had a cookie because Daniel said I looked very pretty today.
I am even considering trying to lose weight the healthy way because after all the compliments about my dress the whole day he told me that I was pretty without the dress too, it's just a nice dress.
I know it's weird for a bigger person to struggle with that but I do and those nice words really made my day. They really saved me on a bad day. :)
Today about 8 people told me I was pretty. And 2 of them weren't little kids or girls just simply answering a compliment (aka, "You look really pretty" "You too").
Those two great boys simply telling me I was pretty really made my day.
I was in a funk again. I wasn't going to eat again. I was going to do so well and only eat breakfast and just let myself starve the rest of the time. Anything to look pretty.
I ate breakfast to get my metabolism moving.
I ate lunch (no matter how small it was) because Tyrone wanted to buy me lunch because he was thankful for my willingess to serve. I ate lunch because I felt talented and appreciated.
I ate dinner because Nedly complimented my dress and then told me I was very pretty. It was because of that comment I was able to sit down with a plate of food.
I even had a cookie because Daniel said I looked very pretty today.
I am even considering trying to lose weight the healthy way because after all the compliments about my dress the whole day he told me that I was pretty without the dress too, it's just a nice dress.
I know it's weird for a bigger person to struggle with that but I do and those nice words really made my day. They really saved me on a bad day. :)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Paige*
My friend has a beautiful daughter around the age of twelve. Tonight she hung out with me and a bunch of friends watching movies. She is a gorgeous, fun, amazing, and mature girl. She is about 5' 5" and probably just about fully grown. A lot of her reminds me of myself at that age. And that's what got me thinking about this.
When I was 12 I sneaking out every night to attend parties of mainly boys where the girls were there simply to make out with. I was in an "open" relationship with a 21 year old boy. I was drinking a little bit. It was that year I was raped, got pregnant, and tried to kill myself several times. I had never really comprehended what that year was like until now. In my mind it was always ok, always my decisions, and it was always like I made them with the full knowledge I know now.
Because I matured early people always mistook me as older. I looked older. But looking at Maris today I realized what I was like. I still loved to build blanket forts. I still loved to watch movies and have slumber parties. All those things I still love today were a huge part of me then. But I really wanted to fit in and I got into problems with some wrong people.
Now that I look back I realize just how sick the people I spent my time with were. I know that the boys I spent my time with (the ones with the parties) were 15 and 16 at the time and looking at the boys in our own church (yes... a lot of these were "church" guys) that would be like Paige* going to parties with Chase and his friends... and making out with them. And when I was 12 the idea of dating a 21 year old seemed fine. However looking back now that would be like Paige* dating Kentucky. There is just something severely wrong with that.
And Paige* has provided me wonderful insight into how my reasoning must have been. I have to stretch my mind to imagine her in a situation where she found herself like me (Dear God, may it never be) and what she would be thinking. I can understand it better now. How old I was and how well I understood.
But God is also giving me hope through Paige*. God is showing me that not all young girls have to end up like me. God is showing me that I can change the life of a girl who could have easily gone down that same path but simply being a good influence for her. If I had had postive older girl influences in my life, maybe I wouldn't have gone down that path. God is showing me so much through that amazing young girl and I praise Him so much for that.
When I was 12 I sneaking out every night to attend parties of mainly boys where the girls were there simply to make out with. I was in an "open" relationship with a 21 year old boy. I was drinking a little bit. It was that year I was raped, got pregnant, and tried to kill myself several times. I had never really comprehended what that year was like until now. In my mind it was always ok, always my decisions, and it was always like I made them with the full knowledge I know now.
Because I matured early people always mistook me as older. I looked older. But looking at Maris today I realized what I was like. I still loved to build blanket forts. I still loved to watch movies and have slumber parties. All those things I still love today were a huge part of me then. But I really wanted to fit in and I got into problems with some wrong people.
Now that I look back I realize just how sick the people I spent my time with were. I know that the boys I spent my time with (the ones with the parties) were 15 and 16 at the time and looking at the boys in our own church (yes... a lot of these were "church" guys) that would be like Paige* going to parties with Chase and his friends... and making out with them. And when I was 12 the idea of dating a 21 year old seemed fine. However looking back now that would be like Paige* dating Kentucky. There is just something severely wrong with that.
And Paige* has provided me wonderful insight into how my reasoning must have been. I have to stretch my mind to imagine her in a situation where she found herself like me (Dear God, may it never be) and what she would be thinking. I can understand it better now. How old I was and how well I understood.
But God is also giving me hope through Paige*. God is showing me that not all young girls have to end up like me. God is showing me that I can change the life of a girl who could have easily gone down that same path but simply being a good influence for her. If I had had postive older girl influences in my life, maybe I wouldn't have gone down that path. God is showing me so much through that amazing young girl and I praise Him so much for that.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Yeah! :-D
So I know it sounds silly but God is REALLY working... like permanently working.
I realized it the other day when I was sitting in my room depressed. I was depressed (which I believe is because Satan didn't want me to do my lesson on Love) but when the thought of cutting entered my mind I didn't really want to. And then I realized that a couple of months ago I would have been in the exact same situation struggling not to end my life. Then I realized something amazing! :D
I have not seriously considered suicide in the year 2011. :D :D :D :D :D
There were times where it entered my mind and I just cried, but on December 31st 2010 I was going to do it if you hadn't jumped into my car with me. I haven't even entertained the thought much since.
I'll never forget that day. I was planning to drive to fountain green, party with my friends, spike my own drink, and then drive my car into a tree or pole on the way to LEAD WORSHIP at the New Years Party at church. But you called and wanted to hang out and I decided to stay with your family instead of going to Fountain Green. I wanted you to reach out but it just wasn't happening. So I texted you goodbye and went out to my car. You said "ok. See you soon." and I replied "No... you won't." I drove around the block once and then drove by your house one more time. I had the bottle of alcohol in my hand ready to lose judgement enough to drive my car into a tree.
But GOD was NOT going to let me end there. When I drove by your house with the bottle in my hand you ran out and climbed into my car. Parked on the side of the road you simly told me to spill. I was hesitant because I didn't think that anyone cared enough to save me. But then I poured it all out. I cried every tear I had been holding side. You put your arm around me and told me how much God loved me and has a plan for my life. We spent two hours in that car. In single diget weather, so cold that a thick layer of ice had formed on the inside of my windsheild. We were both sobbing and you were just holding me. GOD spoke through you that night. I told you all of my fears and doubts and you spoke GOD'S holy truth into my life. That I was loved. That I had a purpose. That God wasn't tired of me. That I wasn't just making everything worse. That GOD was going to use me.
That night had a huge impact on my life. That night was the last night I seriously considered suicide. That night was a night of change.
God is also showing himself through my self harm. I am so proud to say... it hurts again! :)
I don't have to cut deep. There is no feeling of release. I don't actually want to hurt myself! Not that sometimes I don't want the scars. And not that sometimes I don't want the nagging pain it brings. But overall, when the razor makes the cut (which is much more infrequent now) it hurts, not feels better. :)
I am so happy to see God making such progress in my life and using people to change me.
I realized it the other day when I was sitting in my room depressed. I was depressed (which I believe is because Satan didn't want me to do my lesson on Love) but when the thought of cutting entered my mind I didn't really want to. And then I realized that a couple of months ago I would have been in the exact same situation struggling not to end my life. Then I realized something amazing! :D
I have not seriously considered suicide in the year 2011. :D :D :D :D :D
There were times where it entered my mind and I just cried, but on December 31st 2010 I was going to do it if you hadn't jumped into my car with me. I haven't even entertained the thought much since.
I'll never forget that day. I was planning to drive to fountain green, party with my friends, spike my own drink, and then drive my car into a tree or pole on the way to LEAD WORSHIP at the New Years Party at church. But you called and wanted to hang out and I decided to stay with your family instead of going to Fountain Green. I wanted you to reach out but it just wasn't happening. So I texted you goodbye and went out to my car. You said "ok. See you soon." and I replied "No... you won't." I drove around the block once and then drove by your house one more time. I had the bottle of alcohol in my hand ready to lose judgement enough to drive my car into a tree.
But GOD was NOT going to let me end there. When I drove by your house with the bottle in my hand you ran out and climbed into my car. Parked on the side of the road you simly told me to spill. I was hesitant because I didn't think that anyone cared enough to save me. But then I poured it all out. I cried every tear I had been holding side. You put your arm around me and told me how much God loved me and has a plan for my life. We spent two hours in that car. In single diget weather, so cold that a thick layer of ice had formed on the inside of my windsheild. We were both sobbing and you were just holding me. GOD spoke through you that night. I told you all of my fears and doubts and you spoke GOD'S holy truth into my life. That I was loved. That I had a purpose. That God wasn't tired of me. That I wasn't just making everything worse. That GOD was going to use me.
That night had a huge impact on my life. That night was the last night I seriously considered suicide. That night was a night of change.
God is also showing himself through my self harm. I am so proud to say... it hurts again! :)
I don't have to cut deep. There is no feeling of release. I don't actually want to hurt myself! Not that sometimes I don't want the scars. And not that sometimes I don't want the nagging pain it brings. But overall, when the razor makes the cut (which is much more infrequent now) it hurts, not feels better. :)
I am so happy to see God making such progress in my life and using people to change me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Triggers
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I always stay on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I AM AFRAID
My roommate was listening to this song today. And while I have never related to the verses of this song the chorus always was deep in my soul.
Lately the idea of forgiveness has been swirling around in my mind. I want to forgive you so badly, but it's so hard. To know that you are still out there, probably hurting other girls. It feels like if I forgive you I'll be saying that what you did was ok. And that was what I did. I had accepted that maybe it's just something everyone goes through and does and it's not that bad. But talking to my friend he said that rape is pretty much the worst thing a guy can do in his mind. And that it's a terrible thing. Hearing that last night was pretty much the first time I had come to believe it. And I am beginning to learn that forgiveness doesn't mean that there are no consequences. But then there are the days where I don't feel like I am even in a position to forgive.
There are some days where you win. Where I feel completely worthless. Where I feel like I deserved it. Where you exerting power over me lasts. Where it's gone. And there are days when you lose and I can forgive you cause even though it was horrible.... it's gone.
I don't think that you realized what you did to me. You didn't just force me into a night of sex. You made me feel worthless for six years to come. You made me have relational and trust issues.
And all I can hope is that one day I am not afraid. That one day your power isn't still looming over me. That one day I don't have to be afraid.
Because of you I always stay on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I AM AFRAID
My roommate was listening to this song today. And while I have never related to the verses of this song the chorus always was deep in my soul.
Lately the idea of forgiveness has been swirling around in my mind. I want to forgive you so badly, but it's so hard. To know that you are still out there, probably hurting other girls. It feels like if I forgive you I'll be saying that what you did was ok. And that was what I did. I had accepted that maybe it's just something everyone goes through and does and it's not that bad. But talking to my friend he said that rape is pretty much the worst thing a guy can do in his mind. And that it's a terrible thing. Hearing that last night was pretty much the first time I had come to believe it. And I am beginning to learn that forgiveness doesn't mean that there are no consequences. But then there are the days where I don't feel like I am even in a position to forgive.
There are some days where you win. Where I feel completely worthless. Where I feel like I deserved it. Where you exerting power over me lasts. Where it's gone. And there are days when you lose and I can forgive you cause even though it was horrible.... it's gone.
I don't think that you realized what you did to me. You didn't just force me into a night of sex. You made me feel worthless for six years to come. You made me have relational and trust issues.
And all I can hope is that one day I am not afraid. That one day your power isn't still looming over me. That one day I don't have to be afraid.
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