Yeah! :-D

So I know it sounds silly but God is REALLY working... like permanently working.

I realized it the other day when I was sitting in my room depressed. I was depressed (which I believe is because Satan didn't want me to do my lesson on Love) but when the thought of cutting entered my mind I didn't really want to. And then I realized that a couple of months ago I would have been in the exact same situation struggling not to end my life. Then I realized something amazing! :D

I have not seriously considered suicide in the year 2011. :D :D :D :D :D

There were times where it entered my mind and I just cried, but on December 31st 2010 I was going to do it if you hadn't jumped into my car with me. I haven't even entertained the thought much since.

I'll never forget that day. I was planning to drive to fountain green, party with my friends, spike my own drink, and then drive my car into a tree or pole on the way to LEAD WORSHIP at the New Years Party at church. But you called and wanted to hang out and I decided to stay with your family instead of going to Fountain Green. I wanted you to reach out but it just wasn't happening. So I texted you goodbye and went out to my car. You said "ok. See you soon." and I replied "No... you won't." I drove around the block once and then drove by your house one more time. I had the bottle of alcohol in my hand ready to lose judgement enough to drive my car into a tree.

But GOD was NOT going to let me end there. When I drove by your house with the bottle in my hand you ran out and climbed into my car. Parked on the side of the road you simly told me to spill. I was hesitant because I didn't think that anyone cared enough to save me. But then I poured it all out. I cried every tear I had been holding side. You put your arm around me and told me how much God loved me and has a plan for my life. We spent two hours in that car. In single diget weather, so cold that a thick layer of ice had formed on the inside of my windsheild. We were both sobbing and you were just holding me. GOD spoke through you that night. I told you all of my fears and doubts and you spoke GOD'S holy truth into my life. That I was loved. That I had a purpose. That God wasn't tired of me. That I wasn't just making everything worse. That GOD was going to use me.

That night had a huge impact on my life. That night was the last night I seriously considered suicide. That night was a night of change.

God is also showing himself through my self harm. I am so proud to say... it hurts again! :)
I don't have to cut deep. There is no feeling of release. I don't actually want to hurt myself! Not that sometimes I don't want the scars. And not that sometimes I don't want the nagging pain it brings. But overall, when the razor makes the cut (which is much more infrequent now) it hurts, not feels better. :)

I am so happy to see God making such progress in my life and using people to change me.