Alone

Lately I have been trying desperately to be alone...because honestly... the thought of it scares the hell out of me.

Because here is the truth. Every day for the past six years I have spent my life in paralyzing fear. And I mean paralyzing. I have constantly shoved it down with eating disorders (a wide array of over eating, under eating, and purging), cutting, alcohol, acting, friends, boys, anything that brings the fear down to a manageable point. And I feel like the biggest hypocrite out there because I know that I shouldn't fear because I have an amazing God. But I can't help it. I have been praying and crying out for six years and I just can't help it.

Every single time I enter a room with just a male in it (which doesn't happen often, praise God) I am litterally paralyzed by fear. It takes me a minute to get up the courage to run away. But that isn't the main fear.

That is somethign I have delt with for the past six years and know I will simply be dealing with for the rest of my life. I am always going to try to manage the fear.

But I am most afraid that I have to go through this alone. I am most afraid that when I have a panic attack for no reason, no one is going to want to deal with it. I am most afraid that no one will ever understand or accept that I can't be fixed.