Triggers

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I always stay on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I AM AFRAID

My roommate was listening to this song today. And while I have never related to the verses of this song the chorus always was deep in my soul.

Lately the idea of forgiveness has been swirling around in my mind. I want to forgive you so badly, but it's so hard. To know that you are still out there, probably hurting other girls. It feels like if I forgive you I'll be saying that what you did was ok. And that was what I did. I had accepted that maybe it's just something everyone goes through and does and it's not that bad. But talking to my friend he said that rape is pretty much the worst thing a guy can do in his mind. And that it's a terrible thing. Hearing that last night was pretty much the first time I had come to believe it. And I am beginning to learn that forgiveness doesn't mean that there are no consequences. But then there are the days where I don't feel like I am even in a position to forgive.

There are some days where you win. Where I feel completely worthless. Where I feel like I deserved it. Where you exerting power over me lasts. Where it's gone. And there are days when you lose and I can forgive you cause even though it was horrible.... it's gone.

I don't think that you realized what you did to me. You didn't just force me into a night of sex. You made me feel worthless for six years to come. You made me have relational and trust issues.

And all I can hope is that one day I am not afraid. That one day your power isn't still looming over me. That one day I don't have to be afraid.