Control = Power = Pride

Oh my heck! It totally clicked today and I am uber afraid that if I don't write about it I'll completely forget it.

Last night I cut. I was tired, sleep deprived, moody, and overwhelmed. I did it to get some control of my life and to give my brain a basic focus to get through the day. And I didn't realize just how wrong it was.

When I went to counseling this morning I honestly didn't want to go, didn't open up and was feeling like cutting wasn't even a big deal and it was a legitimate way to cope. But honestly... nothing is a legitimate way to cope. I am lying to myself by telling myself that the world is out of control and that I can control it. Because there is a totally amazing God who is in complete control of everything and I can not be in control of ANYTHING.

I didnt realize that my ENTIRE problem... like everythign I had been dealing with forever.... was rooted in the need to control. When I was young I trusted God for control. When God let bad thigns happen to me I didn't trust him to control things anymore. I also trusted myself to be able to control some things in my life. When I was raped that control was taken away from me. I live my life every day trying to regain some control. I don't trust God to be in control.

I realized this (it all clicked in my head) tonight. A friend had jokingly mentioned that a guy from LeTuerno was flirting with me. This guy was most likely not at all flirting with me but it got me thinking about what it would be like dating someone like him. He is older than me, more mature, almost done with an engineering degree, and seems like a good honest man. So why did that scare me so much? Because, especially in my relationships, I seek control.

I fell for a younger guy who I thought could be "fun" and easily manipulated. He liked me, but he wasn't at all threatening. However the simple thought of submitting myself and losing power, even to a good man, or a good God scares me to death. Submitting myself and losing power is scary.

However I am looking forward to my study this week. I am supposed to study god's power and my humility. I think it will be really good for me and teach me alot. but identifying the problem was a big deal. A big realization.