Panic Attacks

Last night I had a panic attack.

I have a tendency to suffer from intense panic attacks at random times. I used to be able to control them (I can generally feel one coming on) by cutting (an emotional release before they took over) or drinking (a litteral slowing down of my system somthing that honestly just calmed me down) but since I don't do that anymore I had to find another option which has helped which is being around someone I trust or just talking to someone I trust. And honestly when I am in a state of panic attack I don't even trust my family.

My panic attacks come at really weird times and often have nothing that brings them on. But I get very scared, cry uncontrolably, hyperventalate, and depending on the severity sometimes I can't move and sometimes I have trouble breathing. they come in varying severities nad I can usually lessen the severity if I can get help fast (which is why cutting and drinking were such viable control techniques). However the problem with getting help fast is that often times these are at weird times at night. Also like I said, it has to be someone I trust. Which at this point when I am in the middle of an attack is pretty much limited to Daniel, Sarah, and depending on the day; Kim.

Anyway, now that you get that, I had one last night. The Zedicher girls were all asleep (I was babysitting them for the night) and I was alone in a big room with big unlockable windows and an unlockable door. I went into a panic attack with full flashbacks and reliving. I needed someone to be with me, or atleast talk to me until I could calm myself down. (Calming myself down involves prayer, scripture, and relaxed breathing. However I can't get myself to the point where I can even pray or read without knowing someone I can trust is accessable.) So last night I ended up texting Daniel (I try to find other people first but when I realized Sarah was sleeping and Kim was busy, I had to turn there)

So he stayed up texting me until I was finally worn out enough to pass out.

All that to say... Praise God for friends. And also, if I am going to get better i want to manage these attacks better. Because while I am doing fairly well at stopping the spiraling depression after the attacks I need to learn to handle these healthily and so I don't end up annoying the few people I trust by texting them late at night.