Still Falling

Does anyone notice I'm still here?

Does anyone notice that even with the medicine it's getting worse?

Does anyone notice that even though I have made it two weeks, my problems have simply shifted?

Does anyone notice that it is harder and harder for me to keep my head above water?

Does anyone notice that I crave any expression of any love more than ever?

Does anyone notice that I am falling deeper and deeper?

And yet no one has any chance of saving me. Passed off so many times.... And I can't blame you.

I can't even find my list of happy things happy anymore.

Maybe it will end.....

This month is going to be the hardest.
I am so crazy afraid I won't get into the program.
I am away from the only form of counseling I know
I am away from my friends.
I am secluded.
I am adjusting to new medication.
I am "sent away" for my disorder....which by the way is now medically proven.
I feel like a pregnant chick being sent away until the problem goes away.
Plus I am now on medicaiton that the whole world tells me I should be ashamed of being on....
Yup...now is definatly the hardest.

Depths

It amazes me the depths you can feel.
The joy, the pain, the incredible depth. There is no movie that could capture, there is no book that could understand, there is no melody that could explain, or no picture that could begin to impersonate the depth of each moment in life. The point where your heart pours out evrything it has in love for another. I just want to share it but all I can do is live. Simply live.

People

People who have said to call them if I was struggling:
*Stormy
*Daniel
*Mom
*Dad
*Kim
*Shane
*Chip
*Jamie
*Ned
*Sarah
*Deanna

People I feel I can call:
No One

What all of these people don't realize is that I struggle A LOT. Sometimes it is in the middle of the afternoon, sometiems it's while I am at work, sometiems it is at 3am. But who to call? Whose moment should I ruin? Who isn't busy? And what could they do to help? But I need help to get through this.... so bad.

Preacher Boy

There is something ironic about this nickname. The idea of a "Preacha boy". The idea of the kid in school who is known for his faith, who is known for his Bible, and who is known for being vocal about it. There are two very important characters in my life who had this reputation, however they are two VERY different people. One boy had all of the knowledge in his head, however his heart was rotten. But he was a good actor and everyone believed his facade. His facade was perhaps better than mine ever was. The other boy had the head knowledge that resided deep inside his heart. It was evident in every action, in every situation. He truly had God residing inside his heart and he shared it. Not that he is perfect, not at all. I could hand you a list of faults right now. But he is in a relationship with God and that is evident.

I find it ironic that two boys known for similar reputations were SO different in actions. The first boy was my rapist. The second is my best friend.

I lied :-)

Ok... So I lied about the end thing. The truth is, I can't not blog! It is how I live and breathe, sharing everything. I can't keep things in. The happy moments, the sad moments, the revelations; I know it's not good but I need to share those things. So if you don't want to see this that's ok, and if you do that's ok too. Be concerned, be worried, be amazed, and be in awe of what God does in my life. See spiritual warfare at play and see things change. Because one day there will be a book and once I figure this all out.... it will be there.

So this blog I had to share: It's about my trigger. Everyone who knows anything about this situation has simply asked "Why?" They know the back story (as spoken about in previous blogs) but what they can't seem to get their heads around is why now. Why after 4 years of being ok did this all come back up. Why after four years did things get so much worse? Well... I think I finally figured that out. And honestly it all comes down to one boy. Anyone who knows me knows his name but on the off chance this falls into the wrong hands I won't name him for the sake of his privacy. He deserves that after all I put him through.

I was thinking through things tonight after my intake coordinator asked me why I was applying now. And I had to think about what made now an important time. Now instead of last April, now instead of three or four years ago? What had changed. It was about this time that I also realized that I was mostly fine when I was without him for long periods of time. I was just neutral. I was normal. So what made this great guy such a problem for me. What did he do? Nothing. He did nothing. However he was the change. And I would like to explain that for you.

After all the abuse I have gone through, I learned early on that the only way someone from outside my family was going to love me was based on what they could get from me. Modern media confirmed this belief as did my experiences. My first "boyfriend" dumped me for a prettier girl who would give him more. After the abuse, followed by a bad relationship I tried to make myself ugly so no one would come near me. I succeeded. But over time, as I got rid of relationships with guys as a general group (except the gay ones... I still had a lot of gay or bi guy friends) I began to grow more confident, I began to learn about myself. I began to realize that I was something and I could move on. No guy ever really showed any interest in me after that. I slowly began to reintroduce them into my friend groups first as aquatenses, and then as common friends; but you would never see me alone with one. That was how I lived my life, growing more confident in who I was and forgetting about the hurt and pain. That was until he entered the picture.

This guy was one of my friends from church and we had gotten to know each other in school and he began to show interest in me. It was simple, innocent, possibly romantic interest in the only other person of the same faith in the school. It all started when he asked me on a date. He had no idea what he was getting into, just two friends going out to dinner and getting to know each other better. That was all it was. However, I didn't understand what I was getting myself into either. I didn't realize the problems I would have with relationships and how my past would play into this one.

By a few dates in, I was infatuated. I was ok with making my whole world around him. While he hadn't bargained for this, who doesn't like everyone's world revolving around you? But this boy was VERY different from any other interaction I had had with a male. He was a gentleman. He was sweet and would give the occasional hug, cuddle, or hand to hold; however he did not take these things lightly. He genuinely cared. We spent many a night of him explaining to me what his values were and how he would NEVER kiss me unless we were to crazily get married some day not only because he valued me and thought that that was something I should save as something valuable for my future husband but also because he respected his future wife no matter where she was and didn't want to give his first kiss to anyone else. He views rocked my world and were something I had never heard about. I tried to absorb everything he said however I had instincts that were ingrained in me.

As I said earlier, I learned from an early age that the only way anyone was really going to care, was based on what they could get from you. I had it stuck in my head that the only reason a guy wouldn't do something with you is because you were grosser than dirt. If you were acceptable, he would have his way. So while I didn't want to be abused again I did want to be wanted. I wanted to be cared about. I began to push things to levels I know he was uncomfortable with. I would do anything to see if I could get him to show any signs of what I thought was caring for me. I tried to force him to say "I love you", and began to wear "sexier" (all though not wildly inappropriate) clothing. I began to put him into mildly compromising situations and would do anything to try and evoke a reaction explaining to me that he cared and thought I was pretty, or at least acceptable. And this is where it all started.

Because this boy was and is a noble man he didn't give into the temptation. Not that he wouldn't hold hands or cuddle sometimes however I would always push things just a little bit more. Physically, with the relationship status, with how emotionally close we were. Anything to get him to confirm that I wasn't worthless. However being a man of noble character he did not give in. He had very well defined lines and didn't want to lead me on. He didn't even find it appropriate to be a couple while in high school because we were both so young. Not that he didn't like me in that way, however it wasn't a good situation for anyone. Because of that he wouldn't give me any of the VERY NEGATIVE signs I had learned to interpret as worth and love. And that's when it all started again.

There was a boy. I couldn't run from him. Being with him made me someone. Without him I truly was nothing. He wouldn't hurt me, but he wouldn't love me either. He simply refused to cross lines. So a voice from the past snuck into my head, it said, "Even a disgusting pig found you acceptable. Maybe that's all that will ever find you acceptable." "He is much too good for you and he knows it". "He will never love you. No one will ever love you. You are hardly good enough for someone to abuse." and many more evil sayings. That is when the self harm started again. It started small and grew, and grew, and grew.

This boy continually denied to cross boundaries. I tried to prove I was the perfect girl, I tried being super spiritual, I tried not eating to get skinny enough for him, I tried wearing nicer clothes, I tried pushing things to the next level, I tried being the smartest, I tried being the friendliest, the hardest working, the one who would sacrifice anything. Then I tried being needy. I told him about the self harm and abuse and thought maybe if I shared those things he couldn't leave. I tried my hardest to get close to him, however he would not give me the negative signs of love I wanted. And eventually I got to be too much for him. I was pushing too much on every level. It wouldn't have even lasted as long as it did if his mother hadn't been diagnosed with cancer in April and he needed a shoulder and a friend to lean on. However I took advantage of the situation and tried to manipulate it to get what I wanted. It was a dark and twisted mind game where i just wanted to find love.

But this boy gave me something better. Every moment, even after we "broke up" he reassured me of my inate worth in my creation by God. He pointed me towards God as the one to fill me up, not him. He taught me that I was valuable enough to be respected. He introduced me to the idea and no matter how many times I needed to hear it he spoke of God's love and plan for me. Even to this day when I need to hear that this boy is the first to point me there. I remember one night when he said, "Well I can tell you that all the love that God poured into the sacrifice of His son was for you Victoria Anne Egan. I can also tell you that even as Jesus was being nailed to the cross he was thinking of going to prepare a place for you Victoria Anne Egan so that you could be with Him for all eternity so that no matter what Satan did you could never ever be taken from Him." He was the first one to ever use my full name and the first one to make that honestly stick into my head. This is just one of many things he told me about.

However once you open the door, it's hard to shut it. I still felt rejected by the only guy who never hurt me or wanted something from me. I still felt rejected every time he wouldn't answer a text or would miss a plan for us to hang out. There is a reason it is his name on my leg and not the names of my abusers. The evil one still sneaks into my mind every time he gets a chance and I have to remind myself what a good influence, and trigger, this boy is on me.

But I would never trade ANY of my time with this boy for anything else. He was and still is teaching me what it's like to have positive relationships with males who care about me. God allowed me to have this time with him to work through my issues with guys in a safe environment with someone who won't hurt me. Who will still befriend me past all my issues. While I doubt there is ever a chance we will date again simply because of what I have done, we are still good friends and I praise God for giving me a chance to recognize my trigger, my best friend, and help me work through it. Because it doesn't matter how a boy feels about me. I don't need to find my worth in that. I need to find my worth in Christ, who always loves me. So that's why now. that's my truth. Call me a monster for doing that to someone, call me anything you want but the truth is without that I would be dead or worse. I wouldn't have realized my issues enough to begin to work through them, I would have never realized how much worth I have simply being God's creation. I wouldn't have realized just how much God loves me and how human relationships can reflect that love. With the love and support of this boy and many other friends I have begun to deal with many of my issues and have determined that I need help. And I am going to get it. Because I KNOW that God loves me. And maybe if I can get through this I can help someone else get through this. Because Jeremiah 17:9. God has a plan, and it's a Good one.

Giving Up

I am so far past gone.

Suicide = a 5 year struggle
Cutting = a 1 year fight
And everything else is coming on. I keep getting worse and worse. EVERYONE knows. My parents, my mentors, my friends; and no one cares. There isn't a moment where I can face tomorrow or anything. Even the rehab people have given up on me. There is simply no hope for me to change. No one can change me, I can't change me. Maybe it's just over.

The End

This is the last post on a forever condemmed blog. Because the truth is, you've cause more pain than you should have. But for any of you who have been following this journey you need to hear about the climax it has reached. This blog has become completly public knowledge. I wanted someone to reach out and help but it was not anything like what I expected. And here, at the end, I am terrified.

I am terrified at the fact I am not ok. I am terrified that every moment is a fight. I am terrified that I have to call people to stay with me so that I don't fall into the abyss. I am terrified that I can't make it on my own. I am terrified that it is a more serious problem than I could have ever imagined. I am terrified I am losing everything. I am terrified that since I am not strong enough to do it alone I will exhaust every resource I have. I am terrified that everyone will give up on me. I am terrified that I can't survive if everyone can't give up on me. And I am terrified that maybe this is one of those problems that God will never take away.

But here in the end...I know two things. And both are inarguable truths. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear" ~ 1 John 4:18; and "He who seeks to save his life will lose it, but he who looses his life for my sake, will save it." Matthew 10:39

So this fear isn't from God. And Surrender is what matters.

So goodbye blog. I'm done with you. It's over. The heart of a girl who never was never needed to be and brought to much pain with her.

Surrender, Surrender
You whisper gently
You say i could be free
I know but can't you see
My dreams are me
My dreams are me.
Surrender.

HATRED

I hate you. I hate this blog. I hate you for taking away any sense of privacy, security, and anything I've ever had.

I hate you for taking away my hopes and my dreams.

I hate you.

You have brought so much pain about in the past few days that I can hardly breathe. I feel more alone, more hurt, more betrayed, and completly and utterly alone with no esccape than I ever have before.

There is no running away. There is no running to anyone. I have no place to go and nowhere to run. There is more of an urge to end it now than there ever was before.

There is no where I can even turn to for a hug who hasn't betrayed me. There is nowhere I can run.

I feel like I'm sitting inside this tent, in a crazy storm. Everyone I ever thought I had as support is the storm and God is this tent surrounding me. God is what is sheilding me from this storm. As long as I sit here he will comfort me and hold me while I cry. He has a plan for this, no matter what it is if I just hold on. I was doing fine and now I am holding on for dear life. I am holding on with everythign I have. I can't let go. God, please bring me someone to get me through this. God please give me the strength to carry on. Please help me to love my enimies GOd.... I need you more than ever now.

My Music

www.myspace.com/torriegan

That is the link to my music site. I finally recorded all of my decent songs and put them on a website. Check it out :)

Fighting

Each moment is a fight. A fight to live on. A fight to look beyond how I feel. A fight to look beyond my failure. Tonight my friend said she was depressed. I responded with the only thing I know how to say, "God is in control. And that's what keeps me going". She said that it was the only thing that keeps her going to and that that is sad. She said she should have more to live for. But honestly... it takes every fiber of my being to live for that. It is my only peace. It is what keeps me going. If I should have more to live for than that, then I shouldn't be living.

Legacy

I once named this blog for the daughter I never had. I named it for a girl who will never exist. But the fact is, if she did exist... what would I be teaching her. There are three facts that have stuck deeply in my heart lately: 1. I have a mental illness 2. I can't change things on my own - but I do need to be determined 3. Each morning is a new chance. Last week I finally made a decision to stop self injuring. And I thought it was as clear cut as that. I threw away all of my blades and went an entire week without hurting myself. I thought it was going to be easy. But it wasn't. I was doing fine for a whole week (the longest I've been fine in a long time) and yesterday I just snapped. I was feeling a little depressed anyway at bible study (I think my roomates are PMSing) and then one of my roomates just tipped me off the edge. I know that this is a serious problem but my family doesn't fight. We talk out our problems. No one yells, and if someone does it's a serious deal and someone is going to get injured. So when someone says that I am frustrating or annoying or dumb or.... those are not things I am used to hearing from people who are not going to hurt me. And they send me down hill fast. So regardless of the situation, I reacted poorly and ended up freaking out. But my freak outs happen on me. I freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I expoded into a rage. I dug through my trashcan to find a blade and cut my shoulders and stomach. I even carved the word worthless into my thigh, the first negative word that has made it's way there. By the end I was sobbing in a flood of complete and total anger and failure. I took a handful of pills and tried to go to bed. However the only thing that those pills did to me was make me delutional and having a very hard time breathing. Does this scare me? The fact that I snapped so easily and still don't even want to be around my roomate in fear I will snap again? Yes... But there is one thing that gives me hope. The fact that after I took the pills there was some regret. Not enough regret to throw them up, but a slight fear of them actually hurting me. I reached out and asked a freind to pray. Because at this point, I was done. But somethign greater inspires me. God gave me a brand new mornign today. Whether i wanted it last night or not. He gave it to me. It was sunny and beautiful. I had a purpose today. I was able to help people. I was able to work. I was able to speak words of life and inspiration. Regardless of what will happen. Am I afraid of my mental illness? YES. But I know that God is here and that God can carry me through. I want to leave a legacy for others. I want people to know that no matter what God can carry them through. I want to be over this. But it is worth the struggle. So maybe next time I can make it two weeks or even 8 days, and maybe after that a month. But I am going to keep trying and praying, and I am going to make it.

Scared

I am so afraid that I have an STD that is slowly killing me or rendering me sterile. I am so scared . But I am even more scared about getting tested. I don't know where to start. I am afraid of it showing up on my parent's insurace. I am afraid of any doctor besides the jerks at planned parenthood knowing that I might have something. I am afraid of what anyone here would think if they found out I was at a planned parenthood. I am so afraid of being alone and finding out I have something, something serious. I am afraid of not being able to tell anyone. I am afraid that if I go to the doctor they are going to find the cuts. I am afraid that they are going to be able to tell how recent some are. I am afraid that I won't be able to lie to them. I am afraid that they are going to realize that I am not getting better. That no matter how good I do during the day when the nights come I can't not do it. I am afraid they are going to send me to some place scary, where I am more alone than ever. I am afraid that people will find out I am in an insane asylum and hate me. I am so afraid. So afraid. Crying in fear.

The Flashbacks are Coming Strong Tonight

Tonight I was facebook chatting with my rapsit's little brother. He is my age and we went to school together. We were friends before I knew that the guy who raped me was his brother. We talk from time to time just as freinds. Today the topic of his brother came up. He said: So um.... what did you two talk about for him to tell me not to talk about you around him or something like that? Knowing that he thinks about me and is haunted by my name was the most terrifying and empowering thing in the world. But more terrifying. He knows who I am by name. I can't escape this guy. And he is always going to deny it. Basically I'm not sleeping tonight. Too many flashbacks. Too many nightmares. Too much alone.

Losing You - Losing Me

It's been 3 days since I last cut. Which considering my recent trend is kind of a big deal. But I can't help but think that that's because I have put my mind in a bubble. It isn't allowed to think deep, it isn't allowed to think about the future or the past. It's just there. And it took our friendship for me to realize it. Yesterday I saw us slipping away. For awhile we talked about imporant things but really, there was nothing. Except when I told you about my schooling expeirices. But other than that.... we used to just be able to drive around and talk for hours. We wouldn ever run out of thigns to talk about. Now it's just semi-awkward unless we are doing something fun like trying to break glass bottles or attacking a photo scavenger hunt. You are slowly slipping away into the background of just one of many friends and that honestly hurts. The closeness we once had is slipping away. You won't open up to me anymore and I try to just ride along on the surface. You always were the only thing that kept me from losing myself. I can't lose you.

A Glimpse of Hope

So I am still in a funky place spiritually, I still don't know how thigns are going on but I know that my salvation is safe. One thing I am sure of is that God is true and that God saved me, with no help of my own.

Anyway, to the point of this post, tonight during testimony meeting Gabe told about how he tried to kill himself after he was saved. It gave me hope that maybe I can get better.

Kindred Souls

Today I was just haning when a friend decided to pour their heart out to me. They said that they and God were "on the out". Being allured by a past, just wanting answers that no one seemed able to give. Being pissed off at God. Having seen too much and knowing that God exists but wondering.... i don't know. But as my friend was talking I never felt more connected in my life.

Truth is I have had all the same thoughts and more lately. No matter what I read and what I research I have a really hard time accepting God for who He says He is. I don't know. I have NO problem at all believing there is a constant spiritual battle around me. And I know that God is true. And I know that God is more powerful. But....

I don't know. I guess I am just hung up on the why do bad things happen to those whom he loves deal. I mean I don't have a problem when things happen as a natural consequence but what about when you haven't done anything. I mean yeah, abuse makes you stronger. I've been around long enough to know that. But a God who cares and watches it happen just to make you stronger.... A God who created the world, knowing we woudl sin, KNOWING there would be that much pain. KNOWING what would happen, and yet saying it's worth going through all that so I can have thier glory.

And in the back of my mind i know that's wrong to say. But I want an answer. If God cares so much then wahy woudl he let it happen. How can I believe in a God who loves me when that happens. I know that God saved me, and I know that I coudl never meet his standard on my own. And I trust that it is his blood alone that makes it that way. But... it's hard to believe that God cares and loves me. Regardless of how in control He is.

It was nice to talk to someone else about it. and I hope that if we are seriously messed up that God will use our rock bottoms to brign us back up. But I don't know.....

Owning

This is probably the completely wrong way to go about things but it's how I want to be. I want to own up to my problems. I want to be wholly me.

Last night I took a butcher knife to my leg. The night before that I took one to my forearm. I was so freaking worried about what people thought of me. Can't I spend my life being happy without caring about what people think?

So tonight I danced! I danced for hours with a friend and some random girls. I danced with my scared arms in the air and moved my hips like a slut. AND IT WAS THE BEST TIME I HAVE HAD IN FOREVER!!!! And tomorrow I am going to get up on the stage at church with my scared arms showing and sing beautiful songs with amazing people for the only awesome God.

And maybe I should be put in a hospitol for a psycotic break but even if I do cut and get down sometiems I am still a person and still fun.

Dying to be Perfect

Last night I couldn't take it. I failed myself at getting things done in time for the tea party. I couldn't be around to lead because of class. Then I finally clamed down for a few minutes to get dressed up with stormy and I got a bunch of people down in the cafe who gave me crap and reinforced my idea that I had failed once again. Then someone reinforced the idea that my effort was worthless when they rufused to dress up and "look stupid. Then I got ratted out by several people for accidently bumping into them. Then I got chewed out for five minutes for accidently locking the apartment door.

I couldn't do it.

I attacked my wrist with a butcher knife. My leg got several razor marks. My cut count of 75 moved to 82.

I walked around all day wearing those scars on my wrist without covering. Still... no one noticed.

And nothing gets to me more than the fact I am so fucking selfish to care if someone notices my peice of shit self or not.

Who will save mine?

Control = Power = Pride

Oh my heck! It totally clicked today and I am uber afraid that if I don't write about it I'll completely forget it.

Last night I cut. I was tired, sleep deprived, moody, and overwhelmed. I did it to get some control of my life and to give my brain a basic focus to get through the day. And I didn't realize just how wrong it was.

When I went to counseling this morning I honestly didn't want to go, didn't open up and was feeling like cutting wasn't even a big deal and it was a legitimate way to cope. But honestly... nothing is a legitimate way to cope. I am lying to myself by telling myself that the world is out of control and that I can control it. Because there is a totally amazing God who is in complete control of everything and I can not be in control of ANYTHING.

I didnt realize that my ENTIRE problem... like everythign I had been dealing with forever.... was rooted in the need to control. When I was young I trusted God for control. When God let bad thigns happen to me I didn't trust him to control things anymore. I also trusted myself to be able to control some things in my life. When I was raped that control was taken away from me. I live my life every day trying to regain some control. I don't trust God to be in control.

I realized this (it all clicked in my head) tonight. A friend had jokingly mentioned that a guy from LeTuerno was flirting with me. This guy was most likely not at all flirting with me but it got me thinking about what it would be like dating someone like him. He is older than me, more mature, almost done with an engineering degree, and seems like a good honest man. So why did that scare me so much? Because, especially in my relationships, I seek control.

I fell for a younger guy who I thought could be "fun" and easily manipulated. He liked me, but he wasn't at all threatening. However the simple thought of submitting myself and losing power, even to a good man, or a good God scares me to death. Submitting myself and losing power is scary.

However I am looking forward to my study this week. I am supposed to study god's power and my humility. I think it will be really good for me and teach me alot. but identifying the problem was a big deal. A big realization.

Panic Attacks

Last night I had a panic attack.

I have a tendency to suffer from intense panic attacks at random times. I used to be able to control them (I can generally feel one coming on) by cutting (an emotional release before they took over) or drinking (a litteral slowing down of my system somthing that honestly just calmed me down) but since I don't do that anymore I had to find another option which has helped which is being around someone I trust or just talking to someone I trust. And honestly when I am in a state of panic attack I don't even trust my family.

My panic attacks come at really weird times and often have nothing that brings them on. But I get very scared, cry uncontrolably, hyperventalate, and depending on the severity sometimes I can't move and sometimes I have trouble breathing. they come in varying severities nad I can usually lessen the severity if I can get help fast (which is why cutting and drinking were such viable control techniques). However the problem with getting help fast is that often times these are at weird times at night. Also like I said, it has to be someone I trust. Which at this point when I am in the middle of an attack is pretty much limited to Daniel, Sarah, and depending on the day; Kim.

Anyway, now that you get that, I had one last night. The Zedicher girls were all asleep (I was babysitting them for the night) and I was alone in a big room with big unlockable windows and an unlockable door. I went into a panic attack with full flashbacks and reliving. I needed someone to be with me, or atleast talk to me until I could calm myself down. (Calming myself down involves prayer, scripture, and relaxed breathing. However I can't get myself to the point where I can even pray or read without knowing someone I can trust is accessable.) So last night I ended up texting Daniel (I try to find other people first but when I realized Sarah was sleeping and Kim was busy, I had to turn there)

So he stayed up texting me until I was finally worn out enough to pass out.

All that to say... Praise God for friends. And also, if I am going to get better i want to manage these attacks better. Because while I am doing fairly well at stopping the spiraling depression after the attacks I need to learn to handle these healthily and so I don't end up annoying the few people I trust by texting them late at night.

Alone

Lately I have been trying desperately to be alone...because honestly... the thought of it scares the hell out of me.

Because here is the truth. Every day for the past six years I have spent my life in paralyzing fear. And I mean paralyzing. I have constantly shoved it down with eating disorders (a wide array of over eating, under eating, and purging), cutting, alcohol, acting, friends, boys, anything that brings the fear down to a manageable point. And I feel like the biggest hypocrite out there because I know that I shouldn't fear because I have an amazing God. But I can't help it. I have been praying and crying out for six years and I just can't help it.

Every single time I enter a room with just a male in it (which doesn't happen often, praise God) I am litterally paralyzed by fear. It takes me a minute to get up the courage to run away. But that isn't the main fear.

That is somethign I have delt with for the past six years and know I will simply be dealing with for the rest of my life. I am always going to try to manage the fear.

But I am most afraid that I have to go through this alone. I am most afraid that when I have a panic attack for no reason, no one is going to want to deal with it. I am most afraid that no one will ever understand or accept that I can't be fixed.

Superchick - Beauty From Pain (lyrics)

Dreams

When people talk about thier dream life it's usually somehting like living on a island beach with servants getting them their heart's desire, or something to that effect. However that is so far from my dream life. I would feel so uncomfortable if I lived like that. My dream life is seriously messed up, but there has got to be a purpose for it.

Today Deanna called me and while freaking out the whole time about how I didn't have to do it and how she didn't want it to be too much, she asked me if I could spend the night with the girls on sunday night and get them off to school safely on Monday morning while she and Rodney went up to the airport. Deanna is leaving for a week to see her dad who has serious cancer. When I said yes Deanna thought I was doing her a huge favor but honestly, she was doing me a huge favor.

You see I live for moments like those. Not that I want bad things to happen to people because I really don't. But I want to be there when bad things do happen. I am not good at comforting people (excpet children, I am very good at comforting children) but I am good at taking care of the daily things for them. When crisis strikes I like to be the one there who makes sure that everything is in order when you can finally get back to every day life. Sadly, managing crisis drives me.

When I was little I loved to read the boxcar children books. While I thouroughly hate the idea of being orphaned the idea of having to take care of my younger siblings completely compelled me. The idea of being handed something crazy and having to take care of it. I have plans for every situation.

Maybe God has a use for this strange desire. For now I am taking care of the girls on Sunday.

75

I counted today. 75 scars from self-injury.

Praying it stays that way.

How sad is it that 96% of my scars are from self-injury and a measy 4% are from normal things (ok, so they are all from that rafting trip).

Pathetic

I am so pathetic.

All I want is a friend. Someone who drops everything to care about me and someone I can drop everything to care about. I want a friend who thinks throughtout the day, "I wonder how Torri's doing?" and that I can do the same with. I need interaction with people. I want to be able to care about you and have it be a two way street.

It seems like everyone I try to reach out too doesn't want to be my friend. They want to be my mentor. Or they want me to be their mentor. But there is no mutual friendships.

I am pathetic. I live for the few social interactions I have where I am wanted. My mondays are moivated by class. My tuesdays are motivated by Devos, class, and chill hours. My wednesdays are motivated by counseling and bible study. My thursdays are motivated by class and awana. My fridays are motivated from working cafe. My saturdays are simply not motivated now that I don't clean the church. And my sundays are motivated by church and my afternoons with daniel.

It's just pathetic.

Boundaries

God wins again :) Praise God.

Last night I finally realized why boundaries were so important. In counseling I have been working hard at setting relational boundaries. Because I have felt worthless and used and damaged for so long this was really difficult for me. I was talking to my friend about his and we joked about how strict some people's boundaries are and just joked around and it got me thinking about the unspoken boundaries we had set in our own relationship. And how I could slowly see some of them starting to bend again.

Before I went into my DEEP downward spiral (so in like March of last year) God was really bringing emotional purity into my mind. Protecting and guarding my heart. I wasn't sure how to do that. But God made it very obvious to me again. It was really important to me.

Last night I kind of noticed that some unset lines were being... bent. And then when I went home that night for the first time in a long time I dreamed about my friend in a romantic sense (now we are not talking anything inapropriate here.... NOTHING like that. But in my dream there was a prolonged hug and hand holding and that is not something that is ok for me right now). This caught me off guard and I realized that I need to set some serious boundaries for myself so I don't hurt myself, my friends, and my friendships.

So... you win. I am setting boundaries. I am trying to protect myself. Cause while I still don't care if I get raped again or abused, I do care about my frienships and what is in my control. And I care that I protect everyone involved from undue heartache. I care again :)

However... giving up that twitterpated feeling that you once had while cuddling or holding hands HURTS.
But I know it will save me from hurt later.

Pretty.

Today was the first time I had been called pretty in a VERY long time.

Today about 8 people told me I was pretty. And 2 of them weren't little kids or girls just simply answering a compliment (aka, "You look really pretty" "You too").

Those two great boys simply telling me I was pretty really made my day.

I was in a funk again. I wasn't going to eat again. I was going to do so well and only eat breakfast and just let myself starve the rest of the time. Anything to look pretty.

I ate breakfast to get my metabolism moving.

I ate lunch (no matter how small it was) because Tyrone wanted to buy me lunch because he was thankful for my willingess to serve. I ate lunch because I felt talented and appreciated.

I ate dinner because Nedly complimented my dress and then told me I was very pretty. It was because of that comment I was able to sit down with a plate of food.

I even had a cookie because Daniel said I looked very pretty today.

I am even considering trying to lose weight the healthy way because after all the compliments about my dress the whole day he told me that I was pretty without the dress too, it's just a nice dress.

I know it's weird for a bigger person to struggle with that but I do and those nice words really made my day. They really saved me on a bad day. :)

Paige*

My friend has a beautiful daughter around the age of twelve. Tonight she hung out with me and a bunch of friends watching movies. She is a gorgeous, fun, amazing, and mature girl. She is about 5' 5" and probably just about fully grown. A lot of her reminds me of myself at that age. And that's what got me thinking about this.

When I was 12 I sneaking out every night to attend parties of mainly boys where the girls were there simply to make out with. I was in an "open" relationship with a 21 year old boy. I was drinking a little bit. It was that year I was raped, got pregnant, and tried to kill myself several times. I had never really comprehended what that year was like until now. In my mind it was always ok, always my decisions, and it was always like I made them with the full knowledge I know now.

Because I matured early people always mistook me as older. I looked older. But looking at Maris today I realized what I was like. I still loved to build blanket forts. I still loved to watch movies and have slumber parties. All those things I still love today were a huge part of me then. But I really wanted to fit in and I got into problems with some wrong people.

Now that I look back I realize just how sick the people I spent my time with were. I know that the boys I spent my time with (the ones with the parties) were 15 and 16 at the time and looking at the boys in our own church (yes... a lot of these were "church" guys) that would be like Paige* going to parties with Chase and his friends... and making out with them. And when I was 12 the idea of dating a 21 year old seemed fine. However looking back now that would be like Paige* dating Kentucky. There is just something severely wrong with that.

And Paige* has provided me wonderful insight into how my reasoning must have been. I have to stretch my mind to imagine her in a situation where she found herself like me (Dear God, may it never be) and what she would be thinking. I can understand it better now. How old I was and how well I understood.

But God is also giving me hope through Paige*. God is showing me that not all young girls have to end up like me. God is showing me that I can change the life of a girl who could have easily gone down that same path but simply being a good influence for her. If I had had postive older girl influences in my life, maybe I wouldn't have gone down that path. God is showing me so much through that amazing young girl and I praise Him so much for that.

Yeah! :-D

So I know it sounds silly but God is REALLY working... like permanently working.

I realized it the other day when I was sitting in my room depressed. I was depressed (which I believe is because Satan didn't want me to do my lesson on Love) but when the thought of cutting entered my mind I didn't really want to. And then I realized that a couple of months ago I would have been in the exact same situation struggling not to end my life. Then I realized something amazing! :D

I have not seriously considered suicide in the year 2011. :D :D :D :D :D

There were times where it entered my mind and I just cried, but on December 31st 2010 I was going to do it if you hadn't jumped into my car with me. I haven't even entertained the thought much since.

I'll never forget that day. I was planning to drive to fountain green, party with my friends, spike my own drink, and then drive my car into a tree or pole on the way to LEAD WORSHIP at the New Years Party at church. But you called and wanted to hang out and I decided to stay with your family instead of going to Fountain Green. I wanted you to reach out but it just wasn't happening. So I texted you goodbye and went out to my car. You said "ok. See you soon." and I replied "No... you won't." I drove around the block once and then drove by your house one more time. I had the bottle of alcohol in my hand ready to lose judgement enough to drive my car into a tree.

But GOD was NOT going to let me end there. When I drove by your house with the bottle in my hand you ran out and climbed into my car. Parked on the side of the road you simly told me to spill. I was hesitant because I didn't think that anyone cared enough to save me. But then I poured it all out. I cried every tear I had been holding side. You put your arm around me and told me how much God loved me and has a plan for my life. We spent two hours in that car. In single diget weather, so cold that a thick layer of ice had formed on the inside of my windsheild. We were both sobbing and you were just holding me. GOD spoke through you that night. I told you all of my fears and doubts and you spoke GOD'S holy truth into my life. That I was loved. That I had a purpose. That God wasn't tired of me. That I wasn't just making everything worse. That GOD was going to use me.

That night had a huge impact on my life. That night was the last night I seriously considered suicide. That night was a night of change.

God is also showing himself through my self harm. I am so proud to say... it hurts again! :)
I don't have to cut deep. There is no feeling of release. I don't actually want to hurt myself! Not that sometimes I don't want the scars. And not that sometimes I don't want the nagging pain it brings. But overall, when the razor makes the cut (which is much more infrequent now) it hurts, not feels better. :)

I am so happy to see God making such progress in my life and using people to change me.

Triggers

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I always stay on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I AM AFRAID

My roommate was listening to this song today. And while I have never related to the verses of this song the chorus always was deep in my soul.

Lately the idea of forgiveness has been swirling around in my mind. I want to forgive you so badly, but it's so hard. To know that you are still out there, probably hurting other girls. It feels like if I forgive you I'll be saying that what you did was ok. And that was what I did. I had accepted that maybe it's just something everyone goes through and does and it's not that bad. But talking to my friend he said that rape is pretty much the worst thing a guy can do in his mind. And that it's a terrible thing. Hearing that last night was pretty much the first time I had come to believe it. And I am beginning to learn that forgiveness doesn't mean that there are no consequences. But then there are the days where I don't feel like I am even in a position to forgive.

There are some days where you win. Where I feel completely worthless. Where I feel like I deserved it. Where you exerting power over me lasts. Where it's gone. And there are days when you lose and I can forgive you cause even though it was horrible.... it's gone.

I don't think that you realized what you did to me. You didn't just force me into a night of sex. You made me feel worthless for six years to come. You made me have relational and trust issues.

And all I can hope is that one day I am not afraid. That one day your power isn't still looming over me. That one day I don't have to be afraid.

Does God Hear

Sometiems I wonder if God hears.

There are so many times where you just cry. Where you just cry out to God. So many times where you beg for it to be done differently. The child crying over thier dying mother. The young girl praying for the abuse to stop. The friend crying over the innocent life that was lost.

I know that there is free will. I know that no one ever promised it would be easy. But God did promise that He would hear our prayers. And I wonder where those prayers go. It's one thing for God not to turn back time if you pray afterwards but could God not atleast send comfort? Could God not make it stop?

Awaiting the Phone Call

Yes, your brother does have cancer.

My mother died last night.

They finally did it. After all the moodswings and warning signs, they killed themselves.

These are the phone calls I wait for.

Everytime I lose my phone or someone takes too long to text back these are the thoughts that come into my mind. Every time I go to bed without hearing from you I am afraid. I have haunting nightmares of pain. But I never know when it will get any better.

I live my life on the constant seat of drama. Becausee you are going to get that phone call and I find it better to be prepared. I live in that constant fear. They say that perfect love casts out all fear, but for me the more love the more fear. And I know that God is in control but he never said it wasn't going to hurt. And the hurt is what I'm used to. It's what I know life is filled with and waht I know how to deal with.

Constatnly prepared for the hurt.

Truth is:

Truth is, deep down inside I can't honestly believe that anyone could love me. I can't honestly believe that God loves me. I can believe that he died for me, but I can't believe that he loves me. I can't believe that anyone loves me. Honestly deep down in my soul I know that I am nothign more than something for pervs to attack. that's my level in society. and no matter what happens, what I say, I can't shake that. I have tried for six years now to get over it, to move on, to try to grasp the concept, but I just can't do it. So you've won. After six years I am still subject to you. You ruined me. Are you happy?

Haze

so a girl just came into the cafe with a guy. She is a BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL AMAZING girl with more self worth issues than I have. She is a little on the heavy side but not more than me, infact probally less. The guy she was with was fairly decent looking. She was sitting at the table talking about how ugly she was and how fat she was and the guy with her just said, "No. I think you're damn good. And those other girls, they may be pretty but they got no personality. Girls like you are awesome and got the strongest personality. I like girls with personality." She said that personality only gets you so far and the guy with her just told her how much crap that was and using some curse words told her how amazing she was. They seemed like real raw people. People with problems, with issues, with stories, and just trying to make it. It was real, emotions, no hiding, no pretending. Just there.

So what's the problem with that. I know down in the depths of my soul that that guy was really bad for her. That he wasn't what God had for her. However I could feel myself wishing I was her with each word the guy spoke to her. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, that they wanted me, that they loved me. Someone to be open with and then have them tell me that they care.

You see I feel like I am torn between two worlds. One is raw, real, with parties on saturday nights and people striving for more. Cursing, drinking, just being real. Yeah there is real heartache, and real pain, but atleast it's real. It's pain you can feel and absorb and share. Then there is this other world. This christian world. I know that I have Christ and Christ is with me in whatever world I am in so I am not talking about God's world, but the christian world. This world there are times of real joy, real sorrow, but everything seems to be dulled. I can't feel real pain. It's like I am constantly in a haze. People are always "happy" and though there are tiems of joy beyond what I could imagine, real true joy, the haze is too much to deal w ith.

Cutting breaks through the haze. It's three seconds of real feeling, of unhaze, of harsh reality, that gives me the strength to go through the haze again.

But I don't want to have to be in the haze. You see, there are times when I am with him that things just seem real. That we can talk about how I got drunk that one time, or how you worked through the tears to build that ramp for your mom, or how much it hurts. But we can also talk about when God gave us a dream, a crazy fufuilled prayer, an epic realization that caused movement in our lives. Then God is real, God is raw, and God close; not someplace faraway in a haze. I don't have to cut, I don't have to abandon feelings or God, There is no more haze.

Cause there is a third world, which is where I want to be. The world which is clearer than I could ever imagine. Where things are real, there is no haze. Where there can be real hurt and real pain and real joy and real love. Honest... not a haze. It is a world I get an occasional chance to expeirience when I am with my best friend... but I still long for the love, and then I am drug back to the raw painful world I once came from.

But I need to hold tight to my savior. Jesus did not live in the religious haze of his time. He did not try to be good. He was better than we could ever imagine. He was real, with true pain and true joy. And He has a plan for me and a real world. Maybe he'll show me.

Seeing Hell

"For we do not battle against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." ~ Ephesians 6:12

Man is that sentence true.

This is a spiritual attack. It's not something I can fight against. Atleast not with anything other than God. I've been reading "Prophet" by Frank Peretti lately. It was reccomended to me by a friend. And it is really good, and eye opening.

I know this is weird but God has always spoken to me very clearly. People who say that God doesn't really have a plan for them I think are crazy. I know when God is tellling me yes and I know when God is telling me no. And while often times I disregard this, it is never from a lack of knowing. And while not everything has a yes or no answer from God, the important things do.

Last night this was more than evidant to me. Things like nothing turned into a fight and I wanted to leave. But God was honestly telling me not to. In my head there was no logic behind it, but I know that I was not supposed to leave. I believe that my father knew this as well. When I was heading out the door he hugged me and gave me spiritual words of wisdom and love. And as I left, I knew I should turn back, but I didn't.

Now this probally sounds dumb but my father and I both have very odd spiritual connections. Not that we are more spiritual or anything like that but all the weird stuff you read about or only really pentacostal churches embrace... yeah... that's us. My dad can speak in tounges, I've never heard him and he rufuses to do it in public but I know that he does. My father gets very emotional when he talks about God. When God comes into the equation he feels so much deeper than anyone ever feels. He has told me many deep and strange things and I am sure that there is much more that I will never learn.

Now I don't speak in tounges or anything but I have my own set of weird gifts. I didn't even think they were weird until I began telling my friend about it and he said that that was a special gift from God. And I can tell you that last night, beyond a shadow of doubt, something did not want me alive.

As I drove into the snow, things started out fine and got way worse. It was the worst snow I had ever seen. It was dark, white, and alone. About an hour into the darkness I began seeing things that can only be described as something very simmilar to the dementors on Harry Potter, began to swirl around the car. They seemed to be manipulating the snow, throwing it up in insane whiteouts where I honestly could not see anything outside of my car except a wall of white with swirling black. My car would skid almost into the banks of snow or the large ditches on the sides. The music on my radio seemed to be manipulated to all talk about death.

Now because I am a christian, death is a sweet thing. It means passing into the arms of my savior and lord Jesus Christ and that is something that I can not wait to happen. But this did not feel right. It felt as if something was trying to steal me away. So I bean to pray... I began to pray as hard as I could. It was praising God and giving the glory to Him. I lost all concept of time so I can't tell you how long it took but things started to change. First my radio abruptly changed songs (it may not have been abruptly, but it seemed so to me) to "He's not finished with me yet" by Brandon Heath. The black swirls had always left my car alone but I could now see them struggling. The snow cleared up enough for me just to see that I had just crossed over into Fairview. (From the train tracks by Thistle until I crossed into Fairview I had had no idea where I was because the snow was so bad) At that point I knew that there was going to be no more grace if I chose to go against God again. He didn't want me to get to Ephriam that night. So I pulled off, swallowed my pride, and decided to stay with my grandparents for the night. This morning there was such a peace about leaving and I came and things went well.

I have no idea why God didn't want me here last night. Some people might think I am being silly and that blaming God for some snow is stupid. But I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God did not want me to leave, even before it had started snowing. I also know what I saw last night and what God's power did.

But things like that happen to me all the time. I know what it is and yes it scares me from time to time but this is my life. I don't know if it's something weird or special but I do know that it is me, and that God has a purpose for it in my life.

The best day of my life

I can have the best day of my life making valentines and playing with a twelve year old girl.

I can have the best day of my life lying under the sky watching the clouds with the best boy in the world.

I can have the best day of my life dancing in a club and letting all my energy out.

I can have the best day of my life watching football with the guys.

I can have the best day of my life playing worship music.

I can have the best day of my life in another country sharing the love of Christ

I can have the best day of my life while fighting and standing up for what I believe

I can have the best day of my life while obnoxiously flirting with a guy

And somehow I can be all of these things... and I don't think that any of them are wrong . I love being all of those things. Each of those things make me so happy. I just want to be all of them. They are all me.

Under the shadow of his wings

Today I feel like crap.

Worthlesss.

But I am running to God.

I have a huge test I have to study for and so many assignments I need to do and things I am not doing the best of my ability because my brain won't let me focus. Why does Satan attack now! Why when I need to get thigns done. I should be studying Geology right now but instead I have to just cry and pray and read the bible and memorize and worship just so I can get through another moment of the day. If I am not under his wings than how can I move on.

Discovering Me... But it's not even close to about me

Tonight... there is turmoil.

Today has been a very inspiring and educational night for me. But I have missed out on the oppurtunity to help two close friends today. Two friends who were having a rough day.

You see, I have no problem helping people with problems, people who have some sort of an issue. People who confront it and ask for help. But then again the people who slink in the corner, I love with all my heart, but honestly, I just want them to confront what they feel. I want to slap them into realization. I want to see tears, hear screams, because I know from expeirience that feeling is WAY better than not feeling.

And now I feel like shit.

Cause my roomate just said that all she wanted was someone to hug and cry with. And honestly... I would give her a hug, but I don't touch unless you ask. But I can't cry with people. I will sit with you while you cry, I'll be here, but I can't cry too. I care, but...

Just another thing I can't make better.

Trying to love someone else just hurts.

But I can't have a casual friendship with her because she doesn't do those well.

It's all in or all out, but what happens when she won't let me in.
I just want to stop caring. Go do something stupid to make up for it.
Cause caring hurts.

And Ned just played a song about how much better life is on drugs. Way to have good timing Ned.

And I was just starting to actually like myself again. But the only time I feel free and like me is when I am dancing, surrounded by loud music, and lost.

Fear...again

So today I honestly failed at not being alone and not thinking about me. But I think that it might have been for the better. You see I have been hiding a LOT a feelings for a long time by simply ignoring them. But my last counseling session brough up some bitter feelings and ended up being cut short so I've been kind of hanging. You see, I have formed my entire life around the reality of sexual abuse. And I have come to realize that many of my mannerisms stem from this. The one I have realized most with this is my physical appearance.

When I was young (when the bulk of the abuse happened) I began to make myself look as possibly unattractive as possible. I tried to put on weight (and succeeded for about 50 pounds), I dressed like a boy, I did my hair like a boy and tried to be the furthest thing that anyone would want. I didn't like people touching me at all. About halfway through high school I realized that this was a completely socially unacceptable way to live my life, so I chose the opposite path, you can't hurt me if I let you. I lost weight (about 30 pounds), and started dressing and doing my hair as an attractive female. I would dress as immodestly as I could get away with, having the family and background I did. I disasociated meaning from all touch and pretty much allowed anything. I realized the true gravity of the situation when I took a wonderful guy friend who I was kind of dating out onto a dark back road and insisted that we stop and look at the stars. Lying down on the ground and encouraging him to come snuggle with me was very suggestive and inappropriate but I did it anyway. I now realize that this was because I was afraid he was going to hurt me and I figured you can't hurt me if I let you. I can only praise God for the outstanding level of moral integrity this young man has because he refused to even sit on the ground but stayed standing, simply talking to me while looking away from me and up to the stars.

Why has this become so important now? Because about a week ago I became afraid again. Begining to get defensive about touch, ect. And today I even found myself taking a turn for the worse instead of eating to lose weight, like I had been, I was eating to gain weight. Purposely trying to make myself as ugly as possible so that no one would go near me. Neither of these ways are healthy and I need to figure out what to do.

I was reading through a counseling book about this and couldn't find my notebook so I figured I'd make some notes about what I thought about it here.

* In the begining it talked about you being a victim. But honestly, while I feel hurt and such I feel like I deserved it. I know that might be crazy but I could have said no more. I could have fought harder. I could have not chosen to be at that house at that time. I could have screamed more, yelled more, ect.
* It talks about feelings you might have and I have pretty much all of them. Life has been numb forever, I am afraid of pretty much every guy I meet for an extensive period of time. I try to hide it but there are VERY few men I am not afraid of. Every so often worry about STDs comes back up. Could I be dying and just not know it? I get angry sometiems but often time the anger just reflects back on me. My relationships go crazy. There are nightmares and flashbacks, Depression has happened ever since. I mean this is why I first attempted suicide. And I think I have just defered the pain for so long that stress of any type throws me over the edge.

I don't want to face it. I don't know how to face it. It is almost midnight and PTSD is coming in and there is no one I can run to, except Jesus. Pray that Jesus will give me the strength to move on.

Epiphany

Honestly... I don't love much. I try my hardest not to feel. It's easier that way. If I don't get super attached to people then it doesn't hurt. But when I do love I love stronger than anyone you have ever seen. And when I do love, it hurts me more than anything to see you hurt.

I realized this today when we were talking about when we found out your mom had cancer. I knew a little bit before you did. I cried before you did. But we both found out 100% together. I saw how much crap the community put on you. I saw how hard you were working, I saw how fast you had to grow up. I saw it all. I cared about it all. It broke my heart. Not only was a woman I would come to love more than any aunt dying of cancer, but seeing your heart break hurt mine in more ways imaginable.

I did everything I could to fix things. I spent every waking moment of my life wondering how I could make things better for you. I still do sometimes. I just wanted to make your life better. I would still do anything if I knew it would help you. But at the same time there was so much stress in my own house. My grandpa was being mean to my daddy and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle it. I had to be the perfect child, the perfect friend, but mostly I could stand seeing the people that I love so much in so much pain. So I started drinking to control the pain. I can remember the first day I started drinking. It was before your mom even got cancer. But she was sick, your family was fighting constantly, and seeing you try to grow up and be the man hurt so bad. I hated seeing some I cared about so much be so torn up inside. You had to miss chior rehersal that day because you needed to go home and watch Jarrod while your mom was at the doctors. I know how much you were going through and I had no idea how to deal with it. So I drank. It was It made my life a little easier, until you found out. But even then it took your mind off some of the crap. I kept things up because not only did it help me but it was me trying to take your mind off of things.

I don't know quite why I turned to cutting. I think I just got mad at myself for drinking. I got mad at myself. What started out as just trying to deal with life turned into an ugly addiction. It was April 1st when I started. At first it was just an easy way to release emotion and pain and move on with life. Things were so stressful that I didn't know what to do. When we finally found out that your mom had cancer things didn't get any easier. I can remember my heart being torn in two. I can painfully recall each day and how hard things got. April 16th is the perfect example of a day like that. Cutting just came naturally. I didn't know how to deal with the stress and it just came. It was my way of getting over the fact that I wasn't perfect and couldn't make it better.

I guess over time I just began to hate myself. Satan began to move in. He used my stress coping mechanism to turn into a form of just hating myself. Hating myself so much it just wasn't worth living. It was a long downward spiral that spun me out of control. Still sometimes I wonder why I am not good enough for people. I try to be perfect, I try to solve problems, but sometiems I just can't do it. That's why I try to keep myself from forming close relationships with people. Because if I don't love you, you can't hurt me. I can't fail you. And my heart can't take failing many more people.

And that's my trigger. It's not that I feel worthless, all though that does play in to the depression. But when I feel worthless or inadequite I just want to lie in bed forever or that's when the food thing comes in. Those are my long term solutions. The addictions with drinking and cutting come as a stress reliever. Whenever things get super stressful and I can't fix everything I cut. Which then makes me feel worthless. Which is where the cycle is.

But I praise God for what I've gone through and I hope that I can learn to cope with the stress because honestly... I'm not leaving you, ever. I am in for hurt and pain and everything because I love you all and can't imagine my life without you. And even if i'm not good enough to be anything more than a friend to you, I'm not leaving.

Shaking

When you came into the kitchen last night and just hugged me cause you said I looked like I needed it, it meant everything to me. I could just drown in your arms, your sweet smell and warm embrace. You asked me if I was ok, I said sure. You just told me that that doesn't mean yes. But I walked away. You didn't leave me but you didn't press anything. On the ride home you felt almost guilty telling me that you weren't sure how much longer you were going to stick around. And I felt terrible because for some reason I am madly in love but I know that this isn't a good time or a good plan for us to be together. But I don't honestly know if I can live without you. But I am willing to try for the good of both of us.

Today I am shaking. I have been shaking violently for about an hour now. A couple people have asked me if I was ok and have told me to go eat something but I am not going to. I don't want to. But I am through with reaching out for help. I am so tired of making all of you guilty. You don't need to be worrying about me. I'm not honestly worth worrying about. I am not going to eat today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon.

I have a purpose but I can't reach it.

Haunting

I miss you. I never even had you. I hadn't even thought about you in a long time. Since around freshman year of high school. But now you continue to haunt my dreams. I don't know what to do. I couldn't have had you. And I know it was in God's plan for you to be taken away. But I can't help but to imagine who you could have been. Who you would have been had I not prayed for you to be taken away. The light you could have been. I just miss you. I despretly want to be able to draw so I could draw you. I pray one day I can meet you in heaven.

I had a dream

Last night I had a dream. There was a young girl of about 5 standing next to me. She had honey brown curly hair. I can't remember any other features about her. She answered to the name of Emma. She gently touched my hand and called up to me. "Mommy" her soft voice carried up just like a sweet and simple wind. I had a child. She was sweet and adorable. And I had changed my life for her.

Why is this such a big deal? Everyone occasionally has dreams where they have kids. But this one is different. A little less than six years ago I was pregnant. Or atleast I think I was. I was too young and scared to know for sure. I had just been raped and it was the second month I had missed my period for. I was so scared. I had made a plan to as soon as possible go to my local planned parenthood and abort the baby. I HAD to make it all disapear. I prayed every night until then that God would take that baby away from me. And thankfully, He did.

I have no idea why and can barely recall what happened, but I miscarried the baby. Since then I have occasionally thought, "What if God hadn't taken her from me?" I have imagined my life with a child but I know the reality. I would have killed that child if God hadn't. Somedays I feel guitly about praying for the death of a child. Some days I just can't take what could have been. This dream let me see her, grown and I guess in a better place with God's timing. But it still scared me and I have no one to tell. No one can know.